John Bingham shared some wise words last year over dinner right before my first marathon. He said “You are a long distance endurance athlete.”
John Bingham “The Penguin” and Myssie Cardenas Barajas. Read his blog – The Penguin Chronicles
He told us how he earned his nickname “The Penguin”. I could relate. He described himself as waddling like a penguin all throughout the race… but he finished. He’s never been first but he always finished. I could relate.
Maybe I’m a penguin, too.
I remember my mother giving me a poem on the first day of college. It was about a turtle. She told me to take my time and observe as much as I could to take it all in. She told me to stick my neck out for what I believed in and that no matter what, the shell of love that she built around me would protect me. She raised me to be a turtle like her.
Maybe I’m a turtle, too.
When first going out for my swims in the pool, I was taught by my son to not splash… at all. I took everyone’s advice to heart and tried with all my might to do it all as perfectly as I could. I was called “the little mermaid” because of it. I thought it was cute at first but now I see myself differently.
I’m really really still very very slow. I had my swim evaluation done earlier this week. My form was good for the amount of time I had been swimming. In six short months, I kept my elbows high, my breathing was good, I was skimming the water, my kicks needed some work and I need more power in my stroke but all in all… I was doing well.
One thing for sure… I am NOT a mermaid. After reviewing the video of myself swimming, I looked like I was swimming in molasses. I know… I know… it wasn’t about speed on that day. It was about form. Regardless, I couldn’t help but think about the Beetles song…
The song makes as much sense as my life right now. It’s confusing, entertaining and much like a scene right out of Alice in Wonderland, I’ve found myself going down some crazy rabbit hole swimming through my own tears and off to a race that never seems to end and hoping that when I wake, it’ll all make sense to me.
The wonderful solid part of this week was getting the news that Kristina was well on her way to become a permanent list member of the cancer beaters club. You can read about her journey on her blog here. The day before Kristina made her news public, Taylor made her announcement as well!
Unfortunately, David (our honored hero for this season’s Team in Training) is back at MD Anderson for the second time fighting stage 2 lymphoma. The good thing is that great things happen in threes š
David Mendez and Sarah Morales – TNT’s honored heros
So off I go again… slow but determined, for something much much bigger than just me. I am a penguin. I am a turtle. I am the walrus. I am relentless.
I wake up at 3:45a.m. to ride at 5:00a.m. to put in more miles on my bike before the sun rises than most people drive in their car all day long. All this, just to beat cancer and to show my love for my family members that cancer took away from me.
After last weekends personal disappointment at my open water swim training, I vowed to redeem myself this weekend. I practiced hard all week. I hydrated… well, I had one beer. I ate right… well, most of the time. And I was blessed with lots of great new schtuff!!!
But the mind games kept coming.
The fears that you fear and the people who are toxic to you don’t really become easier to deal with when they’re around you constantly. I was told that you become used to it and learn to deal with it the more you are exposed to them.
Somehow, thinking about open water swim all day, every day, didn’t seem to make it easier on me when I did have to deal with it. Ugh.
Ok, so here’s how the weekend went:
The Cyclepaths
Saturday was a 70 mile bike ride with the Cyclepaths. These amazingly driven women have taken me under their wings and shared immense amounts of experience and wisdom and understanding. They had a planned 60-miler with a short run right afterwards. I opted to skip the run and add 10 more miles to my ride.
We started in La Joya at the school district parking lot and warmed up by going North on Jara Chinas road.
Jara Chinas road was surprisingly easy for me. I had struggled with this same road just two weeks before (I was also on the toughest gear the entire time and was a bit easier on myself this time) BUT I also understood that this was their “warm-up” and knew that the hard stuff was coming up soon.
We went West on 83 towards Rio Grande City. I automatically put myself to the back of the pack. I knew I wasn’t as fast as these women and prepared myself for it. I jammed in my earbud (singular), turned up the volume and jammed out to my Nitzer Ebb, Front 242 and Nine Inch Nails. One by one, the little hills got higher and higher. I remember singing to my ipod and blurting out “yes!!!” as I conquered one of the hills entirely on one gear and seated. I could feel my legs getting stronger and my heart in control.
Just as “Join in the Chant” gets into my bobbing head, I see the girls pull into the parking lot of a home health. I had been listening to the music and not paying attention to the conversation and figured that they just needed a potty break. I refilled my water bottle with ice and gatorade, nibbled on a fuel bar and waited for the girls to finish. I saw them mount their bikes and get ready to take off again and just as I was about to take off, I was surprised that they went back EAST!!!! This meant that we were in Rio Grande City!! Already?!?!? I wasn’t even tired!!! I couldn’t believe that I had said that to myself!
Oh but wait… God likes to keep me in my place. The story gets real good here!
So I figured “Now that I got this (I’m getting pretty sure of myself here) let me try out these aero bars!!!”
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I’m a bit wobbly. Let’s try this again.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoooooaaaa!!!!
I didn’t fall but I sure came close to it! In the meanwhile, the girls had dropped me. They were a good half mile ahead of me. “Oh what the heck! I knew they would drop me anyway. They’re much faster than I am. It was bound to happen. Take advantage of the sag and get back on those aero bars until you get used to them.”
Oh she’s back.. the mean bossy voice in my head. Remember her from the Hell of the South? Ya, she returned.
So I give it another try. I lean down and contort my abs and grab on for dear life. My thumbs are uncomfortable and I’m not feeling faster. In fact… I’ve slowed down. TREMENDOUSLY! Dear lord! I can hardly see the girls now! My heart sank. They dropped me for good. There is NO way I can catch up to them now.
I take a deep breath and hustle on for a few miles until I see a convenience store and … yes! It’s a bike! They pulled in to the store and are waiting for me. Ok, for us. The sag is with me š
She’s got the goods with her (ice, gatorade, water, food).
“One of these things is not like the others , yet one of these things ” does” belong! You looked pretty marvelous out there!” ~Esmeralda Chavez
I feel bad that they slowed down and waited for me so I tell them “Y’all have your own training to do. Please don’t feel like you have to wait for me. I was trying out the aero bars and I’m not real good at this yet.” I felt really guilty for slowing them down like that.
These women are very understanding but uber competitive. So with that… I was officially on my own. They zoomed off.
click click
I knew I was close to La Joya and I knew I was going to take another loop around Jara Chinas road to tack on those additional 10 miles but what I didn’t know was that the total mileage was only 60 and the girls had already incorporated an ending loop on Jara Chinas. This meant that I had to do TWO additional loops. The sag followed me for the first loop but half way through, went back to make sure the girls had their run gear for their brick workout.
The sun was beating down on me, my mind was playing games and my water bottle was boiling. Dead raccoons littered the bike lane and an elderly gentleman who was obviously blind in one eye was collecting empty tin cans. I saw him four times. He tried with all his might not to look at me. I smiled and said hello each time I passed him. I had wondered if anyone was ever nice to him when he picked up trash along the road. I imagined how many people had said awful things to him or honked and said obscenities. I said a little prayer for him and called it a day and returned to the parking lot where we had begun. Ā The girls had just finished their run and we all seemed pretty pleased with our workout.
The following day, I went to redeem myself out in the ocean. My legs were tired from the day before but I was determined to do this!
I arrived right on time at the dock. A small group of the Maniacs claimed their table, got geared up and jumped in. And there I was again.. standing at the edge of the dock… unable to jump in. WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?!?!? Why do I still get so scared???
I see Catherine and Iris use the step ladder down. I know Coach Overly is watching me like a hawk. She can already tell I’m scared. She comes back up from the water and jumps back in… right dang next to me. I stare at the water again.. as if its supposed to make it easier to jump in for some reason. Nope. Not gonna happen.
I go down the step ladder.
The water feels good. The slime is creeping between my toes. But I’m strong enough to keep the “ew” to myself this time. I. MUST. REDEEM. MYSELF.
I begin my swim. Slow steady strokes and I’m going straight. Slow and steady. I find my rhythm. Breathe. Blow. Breathe. Blow. I see Coach Sandy right by me. She gives me some pointers on how I can make myself faster. I do as instructed but in the process of doing so, I breathed in some salt water. It’s in my lungs. I panic. She knows. She can hear my wheezing. I can hear my wheezing. I freak out. No… like I REALLY freak out. Coach calmly shows me how to side stroke so that no more water gets into my face. I cough and cough and cough. My heart rate is going sky high now. Keith rows up to me.
I did what I had hoped never to do. I grabbed onto the kayak. I was defeated. I could not stop coughing. My throat was burning. My heart was racing. My bubble had burst.
The kayak took me in. I couldn’t face Coach. I wanted so badly to swim well. I thought I could do it. I really really did.
I put my running shoes on and immediately told myself to take it out on the pavement. And I did… until I started coughing again. Dang it! Seriously??!?! I jogged/walked the entire way coughing up a lung at each street corner. So much for that! I swear I must have woken up every hung over resident on the island. Sorry about that.
With my head hung low, I retreated back to my bag.
What am I doing? I’m so out of my league.
I was told last night that I should be way more advanced in swimming than I am after all the time and effort I’ve put into this. Maybe he was right. Ā I’m not as good as everyone else. I have to work twice as hard. My inner voice is rude and bossy. But his voice… I believe him when he says I’m not good enough.
That’s all it takes. One person’s voice. Why?
Coach Sandy Overly and the Multisport Lifestyle Fitness Maniacs at open water swim practice
Today was another open water swim training with a bike brick workout at South Padre Island. It was the same course as the one I’ll be competing in October at the SPITri. I caravanned down there with two good friends, Maritza (who also completed the JTI program in the Spring with Coach Sandy Overly) and Lindsley (who just graduated Coach hector Gandara’s run class – Running 101). None of us know what we are doing. But we’ve been trained well.
To be SHARK BAIT
Oh… but wait… it’s not sharks we need to be afraid of…
While I have improved, I have to be honest, I really expected a little more of myself. I made it to the second green marker. I wanted to reach the orange. I wasn’t tired. I knew I could do it. I just didn’t. I held myself back.
Fear.
It still has a nasty hold on me. Really, I was fine and in hindsight, I can’t seem to understand WHY I didn’t just go for it. I get scared every time I’m doing a crazy workout but I complete it. Ā I gave up on myself. Maybe it was the talk of alligators. Maybe it was the talk of sharks. Maybe it was the slimy seaweed and algae. Maybe it was all the head games that a few people were playing with me all week. I wasn’t myself today.
I understand we all have good days and bad days… but now’s not the time to have bad days. I need to stay focused.
I’m disappointed. I could have done it.
I know I could have done it.
My fear was not unusual in the crowd training with me. It seemed almost viral. One after one, I saw turning back, stopping and catching their breath, giving up and retreating. I saw no one go out for the run. I saw just a few go out and take on the bike course.
The girls and I all composed ourselves on the dock. I rinsed off my wet suit (I know people were wondering why I had it on – it was part of my instructions). We mounted our bikes and shot off. The newbie, Lindsley, gave it all she had. She did awesome!
And just then, just like the attitude of giving up in the water was viral… so was Lindsley’s vigor.
I will return and master that course. I must.
Oh! and where was my coach you ask???? Why she was AT NATIONALS!!! Wearing my wetsuit!! š
I’m really surprised that it fit her and she wasn’t swimming in that thing! It was such an honor for me to know she was wearing it. Just like I try to take a little bit of everyone who has supported me with me on my practices and competitions, I would like to hope people take a little bit of me with them when they do something quite phenomenal.
Congratulations Coach! I am so very happy for you!
What does a date mean? I could go back to my pageant days and remember that famous on stage question:
“Describe your perfect date.”
“Hmm. That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25 because it’s not too hot and it’s not too cold. Ā All you need is a light jacket.”
We all thought this was funny because of the way that the word “date” was used. And she was actually right. April 25 really is a very nice day.
It has meaning.
Dates to me have meaning. I see signs in everything. I choose to see them.
In late September of 2011, Sissy lost her life to cancer. But not before she was able to push me into a healthy lifestyle and start running.
In late September of 2012, MidValley Events chose me to be their Athlete of the Week. They sent me to a little bike shop for a photo shoot because the shop had an orange wall that could be used as a back drop. I had come a long way in one year from Sissy’s challenge to the athlete of the week. That day changed my life once again. I went from running to cycling (and triathlon) when I was introduced to Wally’s Bike Shop.
In late September of 2013, I will have completed the Triple Crown. A challenge instigated by Sissy, supported by my community, guided by Wally… all exactly one year apart.
What does a date mean? If that date is September 21, it means a lot.
The last few weekends have had some intense workouts. I got the chance to ride with the Mellow Johnny’s group last weekend and witness a few of my friends compete at the Couples Triathlon in Austin. I got just as much joy in completing something that I once thought was impossible as watching others complete something they once thought was impossible, too! And yes, I had cowbell!!!
I’ll insert the pictures now and explain back later…
What a week! This morning I missed my early 5 a.m. wake up bike ride and did some one handed bike drills and speed intervals with Coach Sandy and some of the Multi-sport Maniacs. I don’t want it to seem like bragging so I feel the need to say this up front now… I really am very surprised that my legs are not hurting and sore as how I would imagine they would be. Coach Sandy really does know what she’s doing. She’s making me stronger!!!
This morning was really awesome with Coach!! Ā She took us along a stretch of road that was laced with sugar cane fields. There isn’t a lot of traffic so it’s safe for us to practice drills and high speed intervals in flat straight lines. The best part was that she came up to me and recognized that I was improving. Albeit, I still have a long ways to go… but I’m improving!!!
The whispers of the sugar cane silenced my worries. There have been a lot this week. The sound they make is amazing. If you ever have the chance to run or bike by a sugar cane field on a windy day, I promise you, you’ll feel the magic. I needed to feel that.
About three weeks ago, I fell while on a bike ride. It wasn’t a huge smash boom crash. It was one of those slow motion I’m-falling-and-can-order-a-triple-latte-and-still-have-20-seconds-left kinda falls. I was able to buffer my fall with my arm and caught myself with a giggle. No biggie. But my ego got hurt.
The following day, I noticed a bruise on my butt and some tenderness around… well you know… down there. I saw them but casually blew them off. I mean… come on. They’re bruises. That’s all. I rode the Hell of the South a few days later so clearly they weren’t bad enough to stop me.
But they were enough to make a friend of mine tell me that they were not normal for that kind of fall. She is in the medical field and I have to admit… she made a good point. Ā I believe I can properly quote her with “OH MY GOD! Those aren’t bruises! They’re Hematomas!”
I now have bruises all over my body for no explainable reason. Fourteen of them!
Now, I debated on whether or not to make this little trial of mine public on this blog. After watching Robin Roberts last night accept her award at the ESPYs, I knew I had to. Whether or not this is life changing, it becomes responsibility when you know better to educate those around you.
So here goes…
I went to the doctor and got my blood checked. I have symptoms that could possibly identify leukemia. Bruising, fevers, night sweats, increased white blood cell counts, weight loss, tiredness, tingling and numbness… and other symptoms. In the back of my mind, I have answers and reasons for each of those symptoms. I’m a clutz. I fall off my bike. That’s why I bruise. I exercise a lot, that’s why I’ve lost weight and am tired. etc etc…
But after all that my family has been through, wouldn’t it be really stupid if I did get leukemia, saw all the signs and then ignored them because I was scared?
The smart thing would be to address the issues with my doctors and medical team.
My doctor did find some problems in my blood. I have been referred to a very good doctor at Texas Oncology. Please keep me in your prayers these next two weeks. Deep down inside, I do not believe that I have cancer. However, ignorance is NOT bliss. If I do have it, I hope to identify it in the early stage and fight it with everything I’ve got. If I don’t have cancer, I hope that someone out there who may have similar symptoms sees this and has the courage to address it properly, too.
The moment is here. THIS is what I have trained so hard for. THIS will be the most difficult of all three challenges towards the “Triple Crown” that I am vying for. It is the Triathlon.
Allow me to take you back to Friday morning. I’ve tried very hard to balance my family and training these last few months. It is the precious moments like these that I now cherish so dearly. My time alone – just a few minutes really – that I have with my two boys before I drop them off at school. We go over the day’s schedule, chit chat, sing to the radio, laugh or what not. This Friday morning was certainly not a “what not” kind of morning.
I dropped off my “Little Skittles” first. We do our traditional morning routine – except that I didn’t make him his sandwich or hot pocket because it was Friday and that means PIZZA!!! He slowly crawls out of the back seat of the car. I tell him “I love you baby! Don’t forget that I won’t be here to pick you up after school.” He replies, “I know Mom. Don’t worry. You’ll be back on Tuesday after you win your race.”
Michael smiles at me from the front seat. We both caught that… “win“.
“Thank you baby! I love you and I’ll miss you.”
“I love you too, Mom.”
And he closes the car door and makes his way through the double doors.
Next.
*sigh*
I begin to feel the nerves set in. My eldest son, my rock, is next. He’s always been so mature and calm.. and so intuitive! He gives me a huge hug as he leaves but comes back to poke his head into the car again and says “You’re going to be great. Good luck Mom. I love you”Ā – He knew I was already nervous. He can read me like a book.
“I love you, too, pops.”
I return to the house to stuff in my over packed luggage and race gear. I drive through El Pato and Delia’s tamales and exit with two incredible bags of deliciousness – a small token of thanks for Cyndi who has offered to host me for the weekend at her house.
Just by coincidence, I am stopped by a friend right as I leave my second stop. She said she knew it was me because she recognized the orange bike on my car. She was on her way to the interior of Mexico to pay homage to the Virgen of Guadalupe for all that She has bestowed upon her.
*Remember that I really believe in signs — this was from Momma. A reminder that I was who Momma prayed to La Virgen for. I will soon need to do the same thing.
So I’m driving up to Austin (alone) and it begins to rain. After getting advice from my bicycle guru to pull over and take my bike off its rack, remove the front wheel and place it in the back seat of the car so that it won’t get wet in the upcoming storm… I pull over at the next gas station and do as instructed. I’m a little worried because I’ve never dismantled my bike before by myself. The guys at Wally’s Bike Shop have spoiled me by making sure my “Mimi” is always in tip top shape. I say a quick little prayer for wisdom and courage.
Tada! I did it!
I turn around and tada!!! Summer (One of my dear friends from PNO = Parent’s Night Out) is there at the gas station… Lesson: just when you think you’re alone and scared, give it to God, say a prayer and everything turns out alright.Ā Summer *coincidently is with her family and follows me all the way through the rain storm so that I am ok and drive safely in Austin – a little later than expected but I’m safe.
I’ll fast forward to Sunday, the day of the Expo and registration and set the mood by letting you know that the rain storm continued nonstop for all those three days. Austin is sopping wet. I had planned on swimming in the lake and biking the race course early that morning to develop comfort levels… oh well! So much for that!!! The rain ruined those plans!
Sunday morning I was able to meet up with the Cyclepaths and examine the transition area in full detail. We all knew our bib numbers and where we were to place our bikes and transition mats. We studied and measured the way to the lake and the way to the bike exit and then all the way to the run and finally the finish line. But when we saw the wooden plank where we were supposed to jump off into the lake… it all got real.
Each of us stood there with faces that said nothing but explicatives. We all tried to hide our faces from each other. We all knew better. So what do we do when we become little chickens? TAKE OUT OUR CAMERAS AND SAY CHEESE!!!
I took an insane amount of photos that day. I wanted to remember every single detail of the lake, the dock, the transition, etc…Ā as if maybe somehow I could unlock a magic decoder and find a secret passage way to the finish line and not have to endure the pain and fear I knew was destined my way. I stared at that lake for hours.Ā I stood at the edge of the makeshift pier, dipped my feet into the water and my eyes slowly made their way from where I would imagine myself jumping in. I then imagined myself swimming to the first buoy and taking a wide right turn being careful to stay on the left. I had a strategy. I continued… slowly, conserving my energy for the run that I knew would take me down later in the race.Ā I reach the next buoy and take another right in the same fashion as the last. There! Now I’m almost halfway there! Speed it up Myssie. Here we go! Increase your speed now. Don’t forget to sight every few strokes. There you go! Another Buoy! and another one! Take a right. Look up! Don’t forget to sight! Last thing you need is to go off course and swim extra! See that there?!?! It’s the arch! It’s the arch!!! Go! Go! Go! climb up the artificial grassway under the arch and let’s go get the bike!
Yes!!!! That’s how I’ll do it! I imagined it all in my head. I went through the whole thing. I had a plan. I knew what to do, where to do it and how do to it! There. I felt good. The explicative face was gone.
I think everyone else did exactly what I did, too. We were all a bit more comfortable now.
Onto the expo! Let’s get this done!
As I walked through the lines that felt like Disney but no ride that day, I saw many familiar faces. There was truly an incredible showing of Valley athletes already in line offering to cut me in so that we could chit chat and comfort each other along the way. So many of the people I look up to were there in line with me. WITH me!!! with ME!!!! I remember thinking to myself “These are the elite athletes… how can I be here with them? I’m so out of my league!” And regardless of how I thought of myself, they treated me like a rock star.
Wanting to record every moment of this, I handed my phone camera over to a friend to make sure they captured me registering and getting my bib number and goodie bag. FAIL. The poor boy attending to me couldn’t find my number. I was sent to another line. And then another and another.
I was mistakenly registered into the “First Triathlon” group and NOT the Sprint Triathlon that I had trained for. I needed the Sprint to qualify for the Triple Crown!!!!
I calmly explained to the doe eyed boy on the other end of the table that I HAD to change from “First Tri” to “Sprint” because I was raising thousands of dollars for LLS and before I knew it… tears. Tears gushed out of my eyes. Janie immediately took charge and wrapped her arms around me and demanded that I get a space in the Sprint because it was a part of a much bigger picture. She tore into that poor boy! He never knew what hit him. “But it sold out last night” he responded. “There is nothing I can do.”
You know that part in the movie where everything just stands still and all you can hear is your own heart beat? Ya, it was kinda like that.
And then it was like the Heavens split open and the angels sang. Chavez tells the boy “Give her my spot.”
Who does that? Seriously? WHO does that?!?!?!
“I’ll take her spot in First Tri and switch her so that she can do the Sprint in my place.” Chavez gives him her bib number. He does as instructed.
I don’t think I’ve hugged anyone that hard since my momma. I couldn’t talk. Tears. More tears. And more tears. “You know I love you, right?” She said. “This isn’t my race. This is yours.”
lesson: we all live among angels
I settle in to my hotel room. I had opted not to go to the Team in Training inspiration dinner because of all the emotions that it brings up in me. I used my best friend as an excuse and told the team that I was going to have dinner with her. It was a lie. I just didn’t trust myself to be strong enough to deal with crying in front of complete strangers the night before I was to embark on one of the most challenging days of my life. I had lost way too many people that were so close to me this last year. I didn’t want to relive the story for others to understand why I was doing what I was doing nor did I want that dreaded question to pop into my head about “How did they survive and not my Momma, not Sissy, not Rodney, not Donny, not Dezma, not Jana…” I just don’t want to go there. I don’t want survivors to feel guilty that they received the gift of life while my loved ones didn’t.
I unpack my bags, drink my pedialite and make my phone calls.
I’m greeted a few minutes later by my roommate that I had gotten to briefly know via facebook. She was a cheery experienced triathlete. Whew! And then I get the text update from twitter about how awesome the survivor speech was at inspiration dinner given by… yep, you guessed it… my roommate!
What Facebook didn’t tell me: She was an experienced traithlete. She is a survivor.
lesson: never miss an inspiration dinner
We stayed up way too late chit chatting and getting to know each other. She truly was inspiring and a fabulous tattoo artist I must add.
So here we are… 4:15 a.m. The morning of the triathlon. I’m up. I’m up. No honestly. I’m up. Kinda.
We get our gear. I’m so used to Jeanice being my roommate. I miss her. She prayed with me before each event and always had the most perfect things to say. I said my prayer to myself.
I go downstairs to the lobby. I recognize the rest of the team immediately. The saying that I had heard all year long – “One Team, One Goal, Beat Cancer” – it really did make sense. I am really part of one team. They made me feel like I was always a part of them…. just further away than all the rest is all.
We snapped a pic and headed over.
It was dark. The trail seemed like just a few steps away from the hotel. Was it really this close? Why didn’t it look this close in the day light?
Oh my God. It’s here. I’m here. Oh my God.
Ok. Bring it. “Trust in your training.” I hear those words over and over again in my head. “Trust in your training.“
I hear over the loud speaker “Olympic distance triathletes can enter the transition area.” I walk in. No questions asked. I was that focused. No one could stop me if they tried.
I go straight to Mimi. There she was. Perfect. Over three thousand bikes on racks and I went straight to her. It’s like there’s a bond between us now. No other bike existed at the moment. Ā I could almost feel how excited she was to get out on the road with me. Ā I laid out my orange transition towel atop the purple yoga mat that my TnT Team autographed for me and carefully placed my helmet, shoes, chomps, glasses and cap all in sequenced order.
I struggled leaving the transition area. Once you leave, you don’t come back until after your swim. I went over everything in my mind. Over and over and over again. “I must be missing something”, I think to myself. “Surely I can’t be this prepared.”
lesson: trust in your training
Port-a-potties stink! When nerves hit, my tummy goes bonkers. In the three to four hours of eternity that separated my time in the transition set up to the time I jumped off the dock, I went to the port-a-potty three times! This was probably one of the worst times of the entire weekend. I was in one of the last waves to race so I had no issue waiting in the long potty lines.
The combination of nerves and fear and focus probably had something to do with this next scene so I highly recommend that if you are ever around me during another time like this… leave. For your own good and the sake of the world. Just leave.
As I was waiting, the potty line formed along the transition exit to the last leg of the race, the run. Behind me are “pink” girls. You know the kind… they show up in make up wearing pink ribbons in their hair, curled and with hair spray and giggling. (It’s a TRI-ATH-LON!!! Do you feel my sarcasm??)
I watch in awe as the athletes race by me. Two athletes quickly pass by tethered to each other. One pink girl behind me blurts out “I didn’t know I could rope myself to someone faster than me! I wanna get tied to you (pointing to the other pink girl) cuz your faaast!”
My stink eye pops out. I turn around and calmly say “He’s blind. You should have seen them swim together. They were amazing.”
The pink girls solemnly say in stereo “Ohhhhh”
Go ahead and google the name Aaron Scheidies. I was in complete awe. The “pinks” were such bimbos. He won first place that day.
This is Aaron Scheidies tethered to Ethan Zohn. This photo was not of them at CapTex but just wanted to show you what it looked like on that day. Just by coincidence (or not) I ended up meeting Ethan Zohn (winner of the TV reality show “Survivor” and a real life two-time cancer survivor) a year later in Washington DC lobbying for cancer treatment reform and more affordable and accessible avenues to treat cancer.
lesson: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”-Bambi
It’s almost time to jump in. I make my way over to the pier.
All the familiar faces are there waiting as well.Ā We give our hugs and wise words to each other. We all know we’re going to do well but some of us still have our doubts. And this is when I lose it…
Abba’s Dancing Queen plays over the loud speaker. This was one of her favorite songs and Mama Mia was the last play we got to see together. Nesta must have seen something come over me because she grabbed me by the shoulders, tried to shake me back into reality and cried out “Remember why you are doing this!”
It was just like the scene from Airplane. You know when the passenger screams out “I gotta get outta here.” And the line forms from all the other passengers to slap the daylights out of her…. yep, that’s what happened.
Ironman Lori was next in line. “You can do this!” she said. Tears rolled down my cheeks. She hugged and shook me again. “You can DO this!” Alex came up and tried to take a picture and quickly realized no amount of photoshop would make this a good photo op.
The crowd began to move forward. This was my wave. I’m on the dock.
I desperately try to remember this very spot from the day before. I close my eyes and take a deep breath and plunge deep into the water. The water is cool but not as cold as I had imagined it would be. I look up to what seemed like 20 feet of murky yellowish brown water and push my way up to the water’s edge for air. I pop up and see Farrah – the only cyclepath in my age group – off to the right. I look over to my left and screaming like a herd of banshees are my friends holding up their hands in my now famous hand sign saying “I love you”.
I hear the gun. And we’re off!!!
I start off a little slow to conserve just as planned. I get bumped. Bumped again. What is this? A pack of drunk swimmers???? I spent all that time worrying about swimming straight and no one else swims straight?? Oh come on!!! Not even 100 meters into my swim and between each stroke I’m already saying to myself “Never ever ever again am I doing this. Never ever ever!!!”
Here’s the first buoy! Ok Myssie. Just like we planned. Take it wide and slow and…. HEY!!! Watch it bucko! Slam! Blam! Oops! Hey!!!! Oh come on!!!!! More drunk crazy swimmers?
Alright so this isn’t really how I planned it. I stop and gather myself. Regroup Myssie! Ok, let’s go. Do it again. Stroke. Stroke. Stroke. Breathe. Stroke. Stroke. Look up! Don’t forget to sight! Breathe. Blam!
It’s the same crazy crooked swimmer!!! She keeps slamming into me. She must be using me as her guide just as I was using Farrah… wait. Farrah? Where’s Farrah???
I stop and do a 360 looking for her. There she is! Hanging from a kayak!!! Oh no! Farrah don’t give up! I try to yell out to her but nothing comes out of my mouth. I’m out of breath myself! Why would she go to the kayak? She wasn’t tired yet was she? What happened? Could it be… oh noooooo.
LAKE WEED!!!!
I absolutely hate lake weed!!! It was all over me! Tangled around my feet! Crawling through my fingers. Ewwwww!!!!
Struggling and hyperventilating, I push through. I had no choice. I wasn’t about to stay there and let the lake weed call it’s friends and have the rest of them hang around me, too!!!
Next buoy! Yay!!! I’m half way there!!! I remember the imaginary scene from the day before. Let’s go! This is where I speed up. Are you kidding me, Myssie??? Speed up??? Lake weed just tried to kill me!!! I’m so hungry. I’m so hungry. I’m so hungry. YOU speed up. I’m gonna take my time and gather up all the sense I have left now and rethink this whole thing through. (What? After all these stories posted you really thought I DIDN’T TALK TO MYSELF during these crazy races??? You’re nuts!) Fine! Let’s take a bit more time and… next buoy!!!
TAKE A RIGHT!!! Look up Myssie! What do you see???
THAT’S THE ARCH!!! THAT’S THE ARCH! That was the last buoy! Wooo Whoo!!!! Swim Myssie! Swim as fast as you can! We’re almost done with the hard part! Yesssss!!!!
I put my head down into that murky water and swim faster than I’ve ever swam before!!! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Sight and Breathe.. wait! Oh crap! Seriously???? I’m off course!!! Danggit! Swim! Swim!
Yay!!!! I made it! I hear a volunteer yell out to me “Careful! It’s a big step here.” They grabbed my hand and led me to the strip area. One person yanked my cord and pulled down. Another held one arm and another held the other while ten million others pulled my wet suit off, stomped on it (to get the excess water off of it) and handed it back so they could help the next person.
WOW!!! It’s over! The swim is over!
MIMI!!! Here I come! I know transition was supposed to be no more than a minute or so but I was starving.
lesson: Eat well the night before and the morning of the event. Take extra food just in case.
I scarfed down two packs of orange Gu chomps. Got my gear on, grabbed Mimi and off we went. I know I was smiling the whole time! The fun part begins now.
Running in mud in my new orange clips felt odd. Like slippery tap shoes! I hear someone yell out “There’s the mount line” and of course… it’s an orange line. š
I pass it, move to the left so that other more experienced riders don’t fall over me and carefully mount my bike.Ā One clip on. Hiyaaa!!!! Woo whooo!!! And we’re off!
It was like a parade of bicycle porn. The most amazingly beautiful bikes on this Earth were side by side with me and Mimi. And just as I was oogling their bikes, they were oogling Mimi. “Your bike is SIIIICCCCCKKKKKK!” a fellow cyclist cried out to me as my smile grew even bigger.
I reach the first hill. I remembered this hill from the LiveSTRONG marathon. It was tough but conquerable. An older gentleman is by me. He’s riding a gorgeous Cervelo but struggling on the hill. I immediately look over and yell at him “You got this! We can do this together. Come on. Let’s climb!” We both get up off our saddles and pump our legs up the hill. We make a left up another hill and then… weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! Down hill. The guy had no mercy on me. He dropped me like a one night stand. He was FAAAASSSSSTTTTTT!!!Ā Good lord that’s fun! I don’t think I’ve ever gone that fast on this bike! Wow!!! Good thing this was just my first loop! Can’t wait to do this again! Then a hair pin turn and I see the guy again over the horizon. He’s a ways up. The competitor inside me awakens. I’m gonna catch him!!! I look up. There he is. Blam! He took the turn too fast. His bike snaps in half and shatters. I see him laying motionless on the ground with one tire between his legs and the rest of his bike on the other side of the street.
I had to ride by him.
I hear a lady yell out “Call 911!”Ā He didn’t get up.
The voice inside my head calmly says “There is nothing you can do. They’ll take care of him.”
lesson: this can be fun but there is real danger involved
The smile on my face is no longer there. This is exactly the spot where I saw the guy next to me wipe out on the loop before. What a surreal moment captured!
Twice I see Coach Overly on the other side of the bike course. She yells out “Go Myssie!!!” each time. I see Jorge running. Dang he’s fast! It’s awesome to see so much purple on these bikes!!! TnTers everywhere!!! And of course they’re all along the trail with cowbell!!! I hear zooming up from behind me “I recognize that orange bike!” It’s my roommate! And shortly afterwards I hear “You are strong!” It’s MK Cooper. How can anyone fail with support like that????
I finish the last loop and see more familiar faces. Casey and Jackie Swanson are at the end of the bike course. They wave me in and cheer me onto my run. I dismount my bike but not before Alex catches me with a big smile. I remember telling her “I didn’t FALL!!!” That’s all that counted to me. I didn’t fall. š
I place Mimi back onto the rack. I laugh as I take off my helmet. This is a huge joke between me and Chavez. I get my cap and glasses on and slip on my shoes. Wait. Stop. I’m not winning this thing. Savor this. Look around. Awwwww. Now that’s it. Feel that?
MOMMA!!!! The sun came out. The cool breeze whispered by. The smell… the smell. It wasn’t the damp stinky mildewy smell from the early morning. It was a clean fresh smell of life. My life. My new life.
Run!!!! I ran through a little shady trail, took a right onto the street, took a left up a hill and into a strange alley and poof! From outta the blue is MaryKay Cooper, my TnT virtual Flex Coach. “You are strong!” She says it in a way that is almost whispered. The tone at the end of the sentence didn’t go an octave higher which meant that it wasn’t a question. It was almost like an accusation. You are STRONG! I am STRONG! I am? Oh ya!!! I AM!!!!!
I run around the little circle and see a TnT coach and ask, “How many more loops?” He yells back at me. “This is it! Last one!”
“Woo Whoooo!!!!!” I exclaim. I’m so loud and jump up so high that the photographer asked me to come back and do that again. I reply “Are you kidding?!?!? I’ve gotta go THAT way to the finish line!” and everyone laughs.
As I make the last turn to the right to the finish line, I can’t help but wipe away the tears.
I did it. I did it. I really did it.
And I hear her familiar voice… “I knew you could do it, baby. You were the prettiest one out there.”
A few months ago I was told that I needed to be more assertive to survive in this world. I was in an industry that is fueled by greedy incentives and mastered by bulldogs. I’m a playful squeaky longhaired chihuahua that gets fulfillment from a simple hug and pat atop the head.
But a few days ago, I told someone off. It was quite liberating and proved to me that my assertiveness was in check. Granted she deserved it and was long overdue but I do hope I am not put in this predicament again. I do not enjoy hurting people’s feelings even when they deserve it..
Anyway, my point being is that a year ago, ten years ago, I could not have had the guts to do this. I’ve changed. Or rather, I’ve changed back to the girl I remembered a long time ago…. when she was 10 years old and limitless. She was going to conquer the world, become an Olympic ice skater. Who cared if the closest ice rink was at the Houston Galleria?!?!
I smile a lot more. I walk a little taller. I feel better about myself.
But don’t kid yourself… I still have insecurities. I bought my first bikini in ten years. I wore it. I’m ok with it.Still won’t wear it in public. I train like an insane maniac. Doesn’t mean I’ll place in the top 3. I’m ok with it but it sure would be nice to wear the bikini to the beach and have a medal placed around my neck and it is the need to continue to try to improve myself that will lead me – eventually – to check those two insecurities off my list.
In the meantime, I lean on those who have guided me thus far. After all, I have come long way. I’m not bragging. This isn’t shoving my accomplishments down your throat. It is an honest statement and I can honestly tell you that I’m certainly not done yet and still have a ways to go. And I can’t do this by myself. My coaches (many of them now) have all shared words of wisdom.
In the email I received today, I was reminded of how so many of them have said the same things to me. None of this is new to me but the reminder was needed for this week as I enter “tapering week” and reflect on who I was, where I’ve been, where I’ve come from and where I could be, who I could be and how I can get there.
With that, I share with you the advice given to me by an IRONMAN that I so dearly admire:
You’ve trained all season and race day is your time to celebrate all of your hard work.Ā So… the mental game on race day… you might be freaking out on the swim, it might seem really, really far, the bike loops might be hot andĀ full of turns, you might lose a bottle or get a flat tire, transition might not go as well as you think, and the run might be super hot.Ā Oh well!Ā Or it might be perfect!Ā It’s an incredible journey through your body- physically and mentally.Ā You will go through so many different emotions and your thoughts might surprise you!Ā Everything about races is addicting:Ā the rush, the people, the emotions, crossing limits, smashing goals, your perseverance, the starting line, and the finish line.
It will be hard at some point, BUT “You can quit and they won’t care, but you will always know.” ~John Collins
There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.
The only limits in life are those you impose on yourself.
Embrace the suck!
“The only one who can tell you ‘you can’t’ is you.Ā And you don’t have to listen.”Ā ~Nike
We are not defined by the days where everything clicks, those days are easy and fun.Ā We are defined by our perseverance when everything does NOT click! ~Mark Jackson
Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.
I just stole this off my friend Victor’s fb wall “Great things are waiting to be delivered to you, but are blocked by your doubt, fear, limiting beliefs, and attachments so let go and let them reach their destination.”
What would you do if you were not afraid?
Something is going to go wrong.Ā Learn how to deal with it.
Why watch a sport when you canĀ DO a sport?Ā Keep moving forward.
Sometimes you need to stop racing and just finish what you started.
The person who starts the race is not the same person who finishes the race.
It is completely crazy. I haven’t even completed the second point to my triple crown and I’m contemplating a plan towards the impossible M dot.
How does this happen?
I was the living Molly Freakin Ringwald in high school! I was a sorority bow head in college. I was a beauty queen. I was a Bud Girl. Don’t ever remember a bead of sweat EVER developing on my face. Did you hear that? EEEEEEVVVVVEEEERRRR
I volunteered to help with packet pick up yesterday at Wally’s Bike Shop for the Kid’s Just Tri It triathlon when I conveniently ran into German Medrazo (remember from the previous entry about the man who got me my first pair of running shoes and started me off?) there. He was picking up his wicked cool bike and telling me how he was getting ready to ship it out to Brazil so he can complete his 9th… yes, it wasn’t a typo… NINTH Ironman. And as he’s telling me… I turn around and see hung up on the wall are all the framed bibs from Wally’s Ironman races.
Within minutes, I’m having more conversations with members of the groups that started me running and triathlon-ing (Team in Training, Run Walk or Crawl and the Cyclepaths) and here we go again… talk of the M-dot. My run coaches – who are new to triathlon are even getting into the conversation. It’s almost as if everyone is thinking at the same time “If Myssie can do all these crazy things… heck ya! I can do it too.. and better and faster!!” – and yes, they can!!!
One of my TNT run coaches on her first bike as a result of all this talk!!! She’s gonna be fierce!!
And then that surprise phone call from Derek (aka Dr. D) from high school who wrote a Ā book about his journey to Ironman. We were on the phone all afternoon sharing stories of inspiration, determination and tips and tricks.
I have to quote him: “Wow, paradoxically you are likely the most experienced/least experienced runner in the world!!! Ā Ps I told a few people your story at ironman Texas and they were all very impressed!”
Just a little over a year ago, I had never run a mile before in my life. And now I catch myself saying “sure I’ll run that half marathon with you… it’s *just* 13 miles.”
I was a kid of the 80’s. We all had bikes. The world was safe and naive back then and was the only means of transportation to the video arcade for me as a pre-teen. Times have changed since then and I hadn’t ridden a bike since I was 12 years old. After getting my “Mimi” in January of 2013, I was able to ride from La Joya to Rio Grande City – a 60-mile trek just a few weeks ago WITH clips put on just the day before!
Just a little over six months ago, I had never swam the length of a 25 meter pool. I could lay out like a pro but I had never free-styled. And next week, I’ll be at the Capital of Texas Triathlon… my secondtriathlon.
This weekend, my TNT Triathlon coach, Carrie Knapp Gonzalez, became an Ironman. Watching her cross the finish line via the internet was surreal. I’ve never met her face to face but receive workouts and coaching advice through her emails for the last few months. I swear I hugged the monitor and belted out a “Hell ya!” loud enough to wake up everyone in the house.
So with that track record of attaining the insanely impossible… why would the elusive M-dot not be on that list to do as well? And every stroke I swim, every pedal I take, every step I run… will all be to fight cancer.
Unsure of posting publicly that I’ll do it yet… but I’m thinking really loudly. Can you hear it? Can you?
A child can do anything they set their mind to, regardless of whatever limits the world may try to impede on them. Ā It is someone special – most of the time it is parents – who allows them to break beyond those limits. I am so grateful that my parents and her parents gave us that gift of telling the world off every now and then.
Her dad didn’t do it for her. Her dad taught her how to do it herself and he never left her side when she proved the world wrong.
P.S. Just because you don’t see her mom running beside her doesn’t mean she’s not equally deserving of kudos. I keep her mom busy running beside me š What her dad does for Susannah, her mom does the same for me.
RunMyssieRun 