They get me. I know I’m not the only one.
They say a picture says a thousand words. This one doesn’t have to. This one just sums it all up for me.
See me? The last Pink head on the left. The closest one to the word “YES”. The only one without splash 🙂
The last few days have surprisingly been the darkest days of my life. Maybe it’s the time of the year and the significance of the anniversary dates… maybe it’s the post marathon blues… maybe it’s just that someone told me I should not be having this much “fun”. They feel I should be sad more. Their wish came true. I’ve found myself turning into quite the hermit and boiling in my own fears and anxiety.
As a result, I’ve questioned the next event that I’m doing (SPI Triathlon) and my ability to do it.
All of my prior events were done to raise money, awareness and in memory or in honor of someone other that just me.
ahhhhh key words… Â “just me”
This will be the first time that I have done something like this for “just me”. Maybe I feel that I’m not worth doing this? Are my inner demons winning now? Is this the ultimate competition that Sissy knew I’d have to confront? Is this what she had me training for? (thinking out loud – and quite candidly, sorry – I probably shouldn’t be writing all this down for public scrutiny)
So in my despair, I reached out to those who I had gone to help before in search of guidance and advice.
German’s words were genuine and struck a chord with me. “Myssie, this isn’t your first 5k that that we pat you on the back and say good job. This is what you need to do to accomplish your big dream for you. You’ve always done everything for everyone else. Isn’t it time you did something for you? You are an athlete now.”
My immense fear of the bay’s salt water is overwhelming every time I enter it. And I don’t know why. I wheeze like I’m having an asthma attack. It burns and stings my throat and nose. It affects my bike and run afterwards. My heart races as a result. I panic. It fuels my inner demons and convinces me that I’m a failure. Quitting is all I think about. It becomes my only option.
“The salt water in the bay is the same salt water in Kona,” German said. “Conquer it now so we can do Kona in two years. Beat it now or it will kill you. It will kill you inside.”
My focus these last few months has been the bike because of my 104-mile ride in the Nevada mountains. As a result, my run pace has decreased by an embarrassing number of minutes. My swim has always been slow but I know I can go the distance, it’s just dealing with the wheezing and sting. My bike is my only reprieve.
He then went to the other side of the shop and came back with orange Balega socks. “Happy 2nd Birthday,” he smiled.
It was two years ago that I had walked into his shop to buy my very first pair of running shoes from his wife, Luci. That night two years ago, I ran my first block on the Bicentennial jogging trail. A month later, I ran the very first mile of my life. EVER. Two months later, in December, I ran my very first 5k. A month after that, in January, I ran my first 10k. A month after that, in February, I ran my first half marathon. Six half marathons and two full marathons, one duathlon, two triathlons, and one century ride later…. he still inspires me to do Kona with him.
But first… SPI Tri.
After last weekends personal disappointment at my open water swim training, I vowed to redeem myself this weekend. I practiced hard all week. I hydrated… well, I had one beer. I ate right… well, most of the time. And I was blessed with lots of great new schtuff!!!
But the mind games kept coming.
The fears that you fear and the people who are toxic to you don’t really become easier to deal with when they’re around you constantly. I was told that you become used to it and learn to deal with it the more you are exposed to them.
Somehow, thinking about open water swim all day, every day, didn’t seem to make it easier on me when I did have to deal with it. Ugh.
Ok, so here’s how the weekend went:
The Cyclepaths
Saturday was a 70 mile bike ride with the Cyclepaths. These amazingly driven women have taken me under their wings and shared immense amounts of experience and wisdom and understanding. They had a planned 60-miler with a short run right afterwards. I opted to skip the run and add 10 more miles to my ride.
We started in La Joya at the school district parking lot and warmed up by going North on Jara Chinas road.
Jara Chinas road was surprisingly easy for me. I had struggled with this same road just two weeks before (I was also on the toughest gear the entire time and was a bit easier on myself this time) BUT I also understood that this was their “warm-up” and knew that the hard stuff was coming up soon.
We went West on 83 towards Rio Grande City. I automatically put myself to the back of the pack. I knew I wasn’t as fast as these women and prepared myself for it. I jammed in my earbud (singular), turned up the volume and jammed out to my Nitzer Ebb, Front 242 and Nine Inch Nails. One by one, the little hills got higher and higher. I remember singing to my ipod and blurting out “yes!!!” as I conquered one of the hills entirely on one gear and seated. I could feel my legs getting stronger and my heart in control.
Just as “Join in the Chant” gets into my bobbing head, I see the girls pull into the parking lot of a home health. I had been listening to the music and not paying attention to the conversation and figured that they just needed a potty break. I refilled my water bottle with ice and gatorade, nibbled on a fuel bar and waited for the girls to finish. I saw them mount their bikes and get ready to take off again and just as I was about to take off, I was surprised that they went back EAST!!!! This meant that we were in Rio Grande City!! Already?!?!? I wasn’t even tired!!! I couldn’t believe that I had said that to myself!
Oh but wait… God likes to keep me in my place. The story gets real good here!
So I figured “Now that I got this (I’m getting pretty sure of myself here) let me try out these aero bars!!!”
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I’m a bit wobbly. Let’s try this again.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoooooaaaa!!!!
I didn’t fall but I sure came close to it! In the meanwhile, the girls had dropped me. They were a good half mile ahead of me. “Oh what the heck! I knew they would drop me anyway. They’re much faster than I am. It was bound to happen. Take advantage of the sag and get back on those aero bars until you get used to them.”
Oh she’s back.. the mean bossy voice in my head. Remember her from the Hell of the South? Ya, she returned.
So I give it another try. I lean down and contort my abs and grab on for dear life. My thumbs are uncomfortable and I’m not feeling faster. In fact… I’ve slowed down. TREMENDOUSLY! Dear lord! I can hardly see the girls now! My heart sank. They dropped me for good. There is NO way I can catch up to them now.
I take a deep breath and hustle on for a few miles until I see a convenience store and … yes! It’s a bike! They pulled in to the store and are waiting for me. Ok, for us. The sag is with me 🙂
She’s got the goods with her (ice, gatorade, water, food).
“One of these things is not like the others , yet one of these things ” does” belong! You looked pretty marvelous out there!” ~Esmeralda Chavez
I feel bad that they slowed down and waited for me so I tell them “Y’all have your own training to do. Please don’t feel like you have to wait for me. I was trying out the aero bars and I’m not real good at this yet.” I felt really guilty for slowing them down like that.
These women are very understanding but uber competitive. So with that… I was officially on my own. They zoomed off.
click click
I knew I was close to La Joya and I knew I was going to take another loop around Jara Chinas road to tack on those additional 10 miles but what I didn’t know was that the total mileage was only 60 and the girls had already incorporated an ending loop on Jara Chinas. This meant that I had to do TWO additional loops. The sag followed me for the first loop but half way through, went back to make sure the girls had their run gear for their brick workout.
The sun was beating down on me, my mind was playing games and my water bottle was boiling. Dead raccoons littered the bike lane and an elderly gentleman who was obviously blind in one eye was collecting empty tin cans. I saw him four times. He tried with all his might not to look at me. I smiled and said hello each time I passed him. I had wondered if anyone was ever nice to him when he picked up trash along the road. I imagined how many people had said awful things to him or honked and said obscenities. I said a little prayer for him and called it a day and returned to the parking lot where we had begun. Â The girls had just finished their run and we all seemed pretty pleased with our workout.
The following day, I went to redeem myself out in the ocean. My legs were tired from the day before but I was determined to do this!
I arrived right on time at the dock. A small group of the Maniacs claimed their table, got geared up and jumped in. And there I was again.. standing at the edge of the dock… unable to jump in. WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?!?!? Why do I still get so scared???
I see Catherine and Iris use the step ladder down. I know Coach Overly is watching me like a hawk. She can already tell I’m scared. She comes back up from the water and jumps back in… right dang next to me. I stare at the water again.. as if its supposed to make it easier to jump in for some reason. Nope. Not gonna happen.
I go down the step ladder.
The water feels good. The slime is creeping between my toes. But I’m strong enough to keep the “ew” to myself this time. I. MUST. REDEEM. MYSELF.
I begin my swim. Slow steady strokes and I’m going straight. Slow and steady. I find my rhythm. Breathe. Blow. Breathe. Blow. I see Coach Sandy right by me. She gives me some pointers on how I can make myself faster. I do as instructed but in the process of doing so, I breathed in some salt water. It’s in my lungs. I panic. She knows. She can hear my wheezing. I can hear my wheezing. I freak out. No… like I REALLY freak out. Coach calmly shows me how to side stroke so that no more water gets into my face. I cough and cough and cough. My heart rate is going sky high now. Keith rows up to me.
I did what I had hoped never to do. I grabbed onto the kayak. I was defeated. I could not stop coughing. My throat was burning. My heart was racing. My bubble had burst.
The kayak took me in. I couldn’t face Coach. I wanted so badly to swim well. I thought I could do it. I really really did.
I put my running shoes on and immediately told myself to take it out on the pavement. And I did… until I started coughing again. Dang it! Seriously??!?! I jogged/walked the entire way coughing up a lung at each street corner. So much for that! I swear I must have woken up every hung over resident on the island. Sorry about that.
With my head hung low, I retreated back to my bag.
What am I doing? I’m so out of my league.
I was told last night that I should be way more advanced in swimming than I am after all the time and effort I’ve put into this. Maybe he was right. Â I’m not as good as everyone else. I have to work twice as hard. My inner voice is rude and bossy. But his voice… I believe him when he says I’m not good enough.
That’s all it takes. One person’s voice. Why?
Coach Sandy Overly and the Multisport Lifestyle Fitness Maniacs at open water swim practice
Today was another open water swim training with a bike brick workout at South Padre Island. It was the same course as the one I’ll be competing in October at the SPITri. I caravanned down there with two good friends, Maritza (who also completed the JTI program in the Spring with Coach Sandy Overly) and Lindsley (who just graduated Coach hector Gandara’s run class – Running 101). None of us know what we are doing. But we’ve been trained well.
To be SHARK BAIT
Oh… but wait… it’s not sharks we need to be afraid of…
While I have improved, I have to be honest, I really expected a little more of myself. I made it to the second green marker. I wanted to reach the orange. I wasn’t tired. I knew I could do it. I just didn’t. I held myself back.
Fear.
It still has a nasty hold on me. Really, I was fine and in hindsight, I can’t seem to understand WHY I didn’t just go for it. I get scared every time I’m doing a crazy workout but I complete it. Â I gave up on myself. Maybe it was the talk of alligators. Maybe it was the talk of sharks. Maybe it was the slimy seaweed and algae. Maybe it was all the head games that a few people were playing with me all week. I wasn’t myself today.
I understand we all have good days and bad days… but now’s not the time to have bad days. I need to stay focused.
I’m disappointed. I could have done it.
I know I could have done it.
My fear was not unusual in the crowd training with me. It seemed almost viral. One after one, I saw turning back, stopping and catching their breath, giving up and retreating. I saw no one go out for the run. I saw just a few go out and take on the bike course.
The girls and I all composed ourselves on the dock. I rinsed off my wet suit (I know people were wondering why I had it on – it was part of my instructions). We mounted our bikes and shot off. The newbie, Lindsley, gave it all she had. She did awesome!
And just then, just like the attitude of giving up in the water was viral… so was Lindsley’s vigor.
I will return and master that course. I must.
Oh! and where was my coach you ask???? Why she was AT NATIONALS!!! Wearing my wetsuit!! 🙂
I’m really surprised that it fit her and she wasn’t swimming in that thing! It was such an honor for me to know she was wearing it. Just like I try to take a little bit of everyone who has supported me with me on my practices and competitions, I would like to hope people take a little bit of me with them when they do something quite phenomenal.
Congratulations Coach! I am so very happy for you!
RunMyssieRun 