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Late night prayers on the Jogging trail

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2015 by runmyssierun

I’ve talked before about dog runners and cat runners… (dog runners run in packs and cat runners run solo and independently) Since, leaving the Team in Training triathlon team in February, I haven’t had any organized group workouts. Finding the motivation to go out there and do the scheduled workout has been a personal struggle. I don’t get those encouraging, motivating texts to get my butt out of my warm spot I’ve snuggled into at 3:45 a.m. anymore. Its so much harder doing this solo.

And now it seems that my morning workouts will change to evening workouts because of hubby’s crossfit class at 5:30am.  The struggle to be consistent is always challenged by the struggle to be adaptable to any and all situations.  In March, I had noted all the morning classes around and group runs/rides that I could join. I even got super excited because there’s a new SURFING class at 5:30 that would help me focus on my core and upper body so that I can empower my weak swim stroke.

My first #surfset class at Contempo Fitness Studio - LOVED IT

My first #surfset class at Contempo Fitness Studio – LOVED IT

I found myself quickly scrambling to adjust my calendar of workouts to see who was doing what in the evenings… checking open pool times, costs, memberships, group rides, distances, speeds, sags, etc…. and then it happened. My freak out session came. I cracked. That thought again…

WHY AM I DOING THIS???? It’s too much. Just quit it all. Do something that doesn’t take so much time. Do something that’s not so hard. There’s tons of other stuff you can do to help. Besides, you need to be here for (son) when he does his homework and to do laundry, sweep up the dog fur, take the dogs out, (insert a million other excuses that will clearly make the world come to a screeching halt because I didn’t do this or that… and that lasts for about three hours of conversation in my head while I desperately try to convince myself that it was ok to quit)

uh oh…

You read that last word in parenthesis, right? Yep, that’s all it took to wake up that mean voice in my head.

Have you ever felt someone roll their eyes at you? Have you ever felt someone snicker and sneer at you even they knew you knew they were doing it? Has that other person ever been your inner you? I swear the Inner Myssie is so sick and tired of me now. Her patience is wearing thin.

Anyways… long story longer…

I had it out with myself – again – as always – and got out there to do anything… anything… just to get out and move and get clarity back where it needed to be the first chance that life gave me…. later that night. Much later.

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I love how a simple little jog takes my mind to where my heart is. I had a pretty messed up month and as each week passed, things seemed to be getting worse. It was as if this big dark cloud was following me around CONSTANTLY!!!

It was late. 9:30p.m. I usually don’t run in the dark at night here in this border town that has been infiltrated with illegal activity for a while now (and some pretty scary stuff happening on the running trails to women on this trail). This evening, though, I was determined – almost in a rebellious driven determination – to get a run in. No head lamp. No reflective or light vest. No mace. No gun. No taser. No garmin. No runkeeper. No NikeRun. Nothing but me and my iPhone with none of my playlists that took years to build (in my bad luck, my iPhone died… taking all my running playlists with it – my songs got backed up but not the playlists).

*DO NOT EVER DO THIS!!! NEVER EVER EVER RUN LIKE I DID. I LUCKED OUT BECAUSE I HAVE AWESOME GUARDIAN ANGELS…. ok, proceed onto the rest of the story…

So there I was in the dim shadows of the Bicentennial Street Running Trail right smack in the middle of my pity party about about a mile and a half into my run when I see him…. the first split second is a freak-out session… He’s sitting down about 200 yards ahead of me on a bench by one of the metal planet informational sculptures along the trail, his head in this hands, elbows propped on his knees and looking down and I’m running towards him… but this wasn’t what I first focused in on… the first thing I focused on from the distance were his shoes. They were brand spanking new blinged out Clorox white leather court shoes… like for tennis.

*Runners don’t wear court shoes on a running trail.

Clearly this young man – approximately mid-20’s – was not a runner. Immediately the runner snob in me takes a mental note: this man does not belong here. And then the Myssie that I like about me pops out…

“He’s here for clarity. The same clarity you are seeking.” I said to myself.

“Look at him. Can’t you see? He’s praying. He’s asking for guidance, seeking answers, wanting help.”

I ran to the northernmost trail and looped my way back South again. I’ll bet a good 20-30 minutes had passed. There he was still. On the bench, hands clasped holding his head against his knees… praying.

Yes, yes, I could see that now. This trail is not just for people running marathons. This trail is the path that all people take to seek clarity, answers and the way to their own happiness. Some of us run this trail. Some of us walk this trail. Some of us ride this trail.

But we all are here in search of that thing that makes us happy, whole, productive, appreciated and loved.

We all have our reasons. They may all be different but none more important than any other. We all have our reasons.

I prayed for him that night for the rest of my run.

This month is tough for a lot of us. It marks the anniversary of the death of my Mother, my baby brother and the one year hit-and-run death of Eddie Arguelles.  Friends and family organized a petition to establish an alert system similar to the current Amber Alert but designed for hit and run drivers. The news media has promoted it and we need just a few more signatures to make this possible. Please help us with your signature and share amongst your friends so that they can share and be more aware and unafraid of calling in any suspicious cars with fresh dents or witness a hit and run.

Sign this petition: https://www.change.org/p/sergio-munoz-juan-hinojosa-texas-hit-and-run-alert-system?recruiter=268720761&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=autopublish&utm_term=mob-xs-share_petition-reason_msg&fb_ref=Default

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Unused cascarones

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 8, 2015 by runmyssierun

Finally, I feel like I’m back on course! I’ve returned to some regular trainings and have increased the intensity of my workouts. My swim is increasing in pace and duration. I’ve focused on upper body strength training so that I can build up and utilize my arms and back while saving my legs for the bike and run on my Triathlon. However, I think I may have overdone it on my last swim as my lower back on my left side is extremely tender and feels like it’s on the verge of cramping any second now. Unsure if it’s actually over straining of muscle or if it’s my kidneys again from too much coffee and not enough water. I expect an answer soon after my visit with the Doc this week.

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Still not pleased with my running. But hey, who am I kidding? I’ll never really be pleased with my running. There’s still something quite elusive about that sport. The better you get, the more you expect from yourself and push harder.

My cycling workouts have been done mostly on my trainer and in spin class but was able to get a few nice brisk miles in on Saturday morning at the Arbor Day Celebration in McAllen.

Bicentennial Blvd was completely barricaded for the safety of all runners and cyclists during the Arbor Day Celebration. A bold and courageous move by the City of McAllen to encourage residents to participate in the event and make strides to live healthier and more fit lives.

Bicentennial Blvd was completely barricaded for the safety of all runners and cyclists during the Arbor Day Celebration. A bold and courageous move by the City of McAllen to encourage residents to participate in the event and make strides to live healthier and more fit lives.

It’s not often when you have the support of a city and a good number of its staff barricade a five lane street with wide shoulders strictly for the use of runners and cyclists – even if it is just for a couple of hours once a year. Although I have only been cycling for just a couple of years, I’ve already had too many of my friends hurt and/or killed while riding. What the City of McAllen, Keep McAllen Beautiful and the even coordinators for the Arbor Day Celebration did that morning allowed me to face the fear of returning to my love of cycling in a safe and monitored fashion. It was a baby step forward. And I appreciate it so much!

McAllen Cable Network camera man, Jose Esqueda, takes a "selfie" with me just before we all took off on our bikes.

McAllen Cable Network camera man, Jose Esqueda, takes a “selfie” with me just before we all took off on our bikes.

For a short moment, colorful wind jackets dotted the streets and the whir of bicycle tires hummed through the City of McAllen.

For a short moment, colorful wind jackets dotted the streets and the whir of bicycle tires hummed through the City of McAllen.

I had an interesting discussion with someone on Wednesday. She was trying to crucify me for my efforts saying that all these crazy events that I compete in and raise money for don’t really help any of “our” people.

I sat there and listened to her passionately berate all that I have done, the promise I have kept and the sacrifices I have made. And then calmly, I responded with:

I make it a point to do all that I can for as many local, regional and national organizations for different reasons. I help with RGV CAP to help provide local people from the Rio Grande Valley assistance in both financial and informational resources for colonoscopies so that they have the chance to identify colon cancer in it’s early stages, giving us a better chance at removing the cancer completely. I also help with ACS and LLS because quite frankly we don’t have any scientists with great big labs creating treatments and searching for causes and cures for cancer in this four county region. I can’t help people from just my own zip code. That’s being prejudice. If I’m going to do this… I’m going 110% so that we ALL have access to affordable treatments and ultimately a cure. Helping just the people from the Valley is good if that’s all you can do. But I know I can do more. You have to find what’s causing all this pain and that just can’t realistically be done here in the Valley. I want to help that doctor who can.

It’s the most incredible feeling to witness the light bulb turn on in someone’s head when I’m able to make my point clear.

I love that feeling.

I still have dozens of cascarones from Easter three years ago. I don’t have the heart to throw them away and I don’t feel comfortable using them. I still struggle with these silly emotionally based decisions. Weird huh? I think I’ll be struggling with what to do on Easter for a few more years.

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Come With Me Now

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 4, 2015 by runmyssierun

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And so it begins… the decision to do this last big event was one that took much contemplation, ensuring that proper time would be allocated to train and fundraise, my head and spirit were centered and I was around the right support network to keep me focused, grounded and as successful as possible.

I downloaded all three of the courses for Ironman Victoria already and googled photos to see the lake, get a glimpse of the average water temp, a sneak peek at what the running trail looks like and the bike elevation. I was told that because it is a sea side town, it’s a flat sea level area and that there is little chance of snow and that water temperatures are “relatively warm but wetsuit legal” and the running trails are the “greenest of all Ironman courses because they are all trail and not pavement or asphalt”. My concern is the use of the words “relatively warm”. See, my “relative” area is tropical South Texas and when we use the term warm, it’s about 100 degrees. I predict some temperature shock on my part. I also see some elevation, too. Lots of elevations… like multiple heights and colors. Oh boy.

ironman victoria bike elevation 2015

Whoa.. wait. Does that sign say "frozen"?

Whoa.. wait. Does that sign say “frozen”?

My first official week of my iron training didn’t come easy. Every day came with only a maximum of four hours of sleep. I pushed through my first few days of workouts and dragged the rest. Not good. If I continue this way, I’m pretty much begging for injuries to happen. Proper rest is just as important as proper nutrition and hydration. Before I go any further, a huge change must happen.

How did I prepare for my first triathlon this way? Oh yeah… I was living with my dad at his house who went to bed by 10:00p.m. (remember that my mom had recently passed away)

How have I done it since then? Oh yeah… struggled and lots of coffee. Not exactly a great plan for any triathlete. Especially one who has just had the realization AGAIN that life is fragile and a gift that is not guaranteed to be here tomorrow.

The weather hasn’t cooperated completely either… however, that could be just an excuse as I see my fellow run junkees post photos of their daily runs like these…

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So I have no real excuse when it’s drizzling and 45 degrees in tropical South Texas. These guys here would kill for conditions like mine. So bottom line is that I’m quite spoiled here… and used to it. I hit the gym and incorporated some weight training alongside my dreadmill run, RPM cycling and stairclimber workouts. I have yet to hit to pool but hope to do so tomorrow. I’ll suck it up and do only outdoor pool and OWS workouts to get used to colder temps as to acclimate my body to the Canadian waters of Victoria. *lets see how brave I am when it really gets cold!!!

Just as my workouts are planned, so is my fundraising and PR. This will likely anger some people as the community I live in is “humble”. We have been taught NOT to speak up, to turn the other cheek, don’t stir the pot, don’t cause waves, keep your head down, speak only when spoken to, don’t bring attention to yourself… yada yada yada. We have been taught to do what we can with what we have and never to ask for help… certainly never to beg or try to tell/inform others of better ways to do something. What this taught me was that if you are obscure enough… no one will see you, no one will hear you, no one will know about the things you care about and certainly no one will care and nothing will change… period. What good does that do?

This week, my emails will go out. My letters requesting help and donations – any kind of donations – money, sponsorships, materials, time and effort (including just sharing and reposting my crazy facebook and twitter and instagram posts to your friends) .. go out, too. It all happens this week. You’ve seen me on billboards

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You’ve seen me on the front page

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You’ve seen me on TV

You’ve seen me on street corners

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You’ve seen me speak at events, schools and any place where I can tell my story

I just spoke to the most amazing group of young women and my heart melted when a swarm of them caught me as I was leaving. They each asked me to take individual photos with them and spoke to me about their own experiences with cancer and their own "impossible goals" that they want to achieve. Honored and humbled and a smile from ear to ear!!!

I just spoke to the most amazing group of young women and my heart melted when a swarm of them caught me as I was leaving. They each asked me to take individual photos with them and spoke to me about their own experiences with cancer and their own “impossible goals” that they want to achieve. Honored and humbled and a smile from ear to ear!!!

You’ve seen me with celebrities who also share similar struggles with cancer and other “impossible” struggles

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Austin Mahone

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Suzy Favor Hamilton

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John “The Penguin” Bingham, author of the Penguin Chronicles

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Ethan Zohn – Winner of TV Reality show Survivor and two time cancer survivor

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“La Myssie es muy loca” if you know this song, you know who this is 😉

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And you’ve seen me go to to the top to try to make a difference when it comes to treating and curing cancer and similar diseases

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You’ve seen me coordinate other walk/run races to bring awareness and fund colonoscopies for people in my community who cannot afford them so that they have a fighting chance to beat cancer at an early stage

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Some of you have shown your own support by wearing a little bit of the love around your neck or wrist or even continuing to show your own love at race events… spreading joy, love and showing everyone that we can all do what we can to be healthier and fitter

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You’ve probably had a little “magic in a cup” a time or two (and yes this local favorite shake really is the best you’ll ever have)

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You’ve seen me as an advocate for health and fitness by exposing my own personal health factors and how I involved my team of medical doctors to follow me along in my journey through marathons, triathlons, century rides and now my half-ironman to ensure that everything I’m doing is good for me and within my body’s limits.

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ME Before and After

ME
Before and After

My point being is that this shy girl has used all the PR and marketing skills she has to promote the cause closest to her heart and is exhausted. I don’t want to hide in obscurity (where I actually feel most comfortable) because I’m afraid that the quest for affordable and accessible cancer treatments and the ability to find the causes and cures for cancer will become pushed aside when hot topics of news, entertainment, etc. come around.

Facing the biggest physical challenge, knowing I’m WAY out of my league, at a time when a handful of the haters are most vocal and most people have spent beyond their means on holiday gifts and knowing that the majority of the people who have given already have no more to give and those who have listened/read/followed/joined along have made health and fitness a permanent part of their lives… why in the world would I still be doing this? Why would I continue to put myself through all this pain, ridicule, sacrifice?

Because my Momma cannot run. Because Sissy cannot ride her bike. Because Donny cannot swim. Because Rodney cannot laugh. Because Jana cannot smile. Because Dezma is no longer here.  None of them are. And I am. And I made a promise.

This is not about me. This is not about them. This is about us. All of us. TOGETHER.

So you’re going to see me again…. asking for your help and for you to join with me. Come with me now.

https://soundcloud.com/mmmusic/kongos-come-with-me-now

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Mimi’s miles to Ironman

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 7, 2014 by runmyssierun

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September of 2011, Sissy lay in her bed at MD Anderson’s leukemia floor unable to feed herself while my mother was a few floors down having nine tumors removed from her brain via gamma ray surgery. She looked me over and said, “You’re gaining a lot of weight with all this pressure on you taking care of us. Why don’t you take up running?”

“Why couldn’t you have suggested zumba?” I joked back to her.

“I’m serious,” she said. “I want you to run for me.”

My baby brother had died in April, 2011. Sissy died two weeks after the above conversation. Momma died on Easter Sunday April, 2012, exactly one year after my baby brother.

Two weeks after her death, I bought my first pair of running shoes from Valley Running Company. It took a month to build up to running my very first mile… ever… EVER… in my life. One month later, December 2011, I ran my first 5k at the Fiesta Marathon.January 2012, I ran my first 10k over the Causeway at South Padre Island. February 2012, I ran my first half marathon in Austin, the LiveSTRONG Marathon. June 2012, I ran my first full marathon at the Rock N Roll San Diego in California. I went on to run a half marathon every month after that including the San Antonio RnR Marathon and the Nike Women’s Marathon in San Francisco and that December returned to my first race, the Fiesta Marathon and ran the full 26.2 miles as my Team in Training teammates and countless other supporters all ran me in to the finish line even though I injured myself severely during the race. I blogged candidlyabout my entire journey, the good the bad and the ugly on RunMyssieRun.com.

January of 2013, I began a new challenge for Team in Training. I learned how to swim and began riding a bike. I hadn’t done that since I was 12 years old. Ten weeks after I learned to swim, I completed my first triathlon, Stanley’s Triathlon. I then joined the San Antonio TNT Team and completely my first Sprint triathlon for LLS at the Capital of Texas Triathlon in Austin, Texas. Four months after that, I earned the very first Triple Crown for the South Texas Team in Training Team by joining the National Flex TNT Team and completing the 108 mile century ride in the mountains of Nevada at Viva Bike Vegas.

January 2014, I returned to my roots to invigorate energy into the Team by helping launch the first RGV TNT Triathlon Team. I went back to CapTexTri in May of 2014 to push myself up to the Olympic distance… but failed. I was pulled out during the swim and was unable to complete it.  So I found a similar race on the same course and attempted the Olympic Distance Triathlon again knowing that I would not stop until I finished this distance. And I did.

So now what? How do I top that? How do I continue my journey?

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I, the outta shape middle aged princess who had never run a mile before in her life before this, will attept to do her best to complete a Half-Ironman in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada, for Sissy, Momma and everyone who questions the possibility of someone who loves her family more than the fear of limitations.

In 2011, I witnessed the pain of multiple human loss.

In 2012, I witnessed the pain of agonizing physical endurance.

In 2013, I witnessed the miracle of healing…multiple times.

In 2014, I witnessed how everything above came together.

In 2015, I hope to witness you experiencing all these miracles with me. I hope to find a cure, eliminate the cause and ensure that those currently “dancing” wth cancer have access to affordable, high quality care.

Now, the above only talks about me and the crazy challenges I’ve done in this short time. What you REALLY need to hear about are the people I’ve met along the way, the victims, the heroes, the parents, the grandparents, the doctors and nurses and pharmacists, the coaches, the teammates, the businesses, the elected leaders, the sponsors, the donors, the people who care just because it’s the right thing to do… this is where the story gets good. And that is my journey… a bunch of good people doing good things all around us in a world filled with chaos, fear and uncertainty. Travel it with me.

It takes more than one person to make up a team and that’s why I’m asking you to donate to my TNT fundraising page for TNT!

By participating as a member of The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s (LLS) TNT, I am raising funds to help find cures and ensure access to treatments for blood cancer patients.

Your donation will help fund treatments that save lives every day; like immnuotherapies that use a person’s own immune system to kill cancer. You may not know it, but every single donation helps save a life with breakthrough therapies such as these.

Patients need these cures and they need your support.

Please make a donation in support of my efforts with Team In Training and help get us all closer to a world without blood cancers.

This is THE most amount of money I have ever needed to raise. I pray that although I am no professional athlete, a company will understand the seriousness of my commitment and promise to my mother and offer to sponsor me. I am honored that this journey (aka Mimi’s Miles on Facebook) has become an educational resource for the community of people I live in, a source of healing for me (via runmyssierun.com) and a source of empowerment for those seeking a healthier lifestyle.

Join me and my Team and countless people who have been touched by cancer.

RunMyssieRun.com

With all the love in my heart,

Thank you!

Myssie Cardenas-Barajas

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What’s your limit?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 7, 2014 by runmyssierun

For two years I’ve busted my butt pushing my body’s limit and taking it places I’ve never thought possible. I’ve caught myself saying several times that there are no more limits anymore. Nothing is impossible.

Getting healthy —- no limits! I can do this!

Losing weight — no limits! I can do this!

Curing cancer — no limits! I can do this!!

Running 7 marathons — no limits! I can do this!!

Cycling 108 miles up a 5,000 foot mountain — no limits! I can do this!

5 triathlons…wait, but I don’t know how to swim… Who cares! Learn! No limits!!! I can do this!!!!

Ride my bike a couple of miles with Eddie through the streets of my hometown…. Uh yeah… See… I can’t do that. I’m limited. I’m not limited by legal limits because I’m legally allowed to ride my bike in the street but the ignorance, lack of respect and inexperience of automobile drivers limits my ability and now my life longevity.

Seems I got a big wake up call this week.

See, for a while I lived my life without limits. And IT WAS AWESOME!!!!!

But sitting in a courtroom this week gave me all new insights on limits… Legal limits.

All this time I’ve busted through perceived limits and countless finish lines but I see now that there are lines that no human being SHOULD cross. When a child of God, a fellow human being, crosses that line with complete disregard to all moral, ethical and legal limits, it makes me wonder if there is still another path to run (or ride) in front of me.

As I enter for the first time the Capitol of our great nation attempting to convince our elected leaders of necessary change that must take place in order for cancer treatments and possible cure for cancer to be both affordable and accessible, I am reminded of legal limits once again.

I find myself racing along a path with lines that can be pushed one way and limits that restrain in another way and lives at stake all around us.

I sat with women from all over Texas today sharing our stories of cancer. How we’ve all lost children and how we’ve lost jobs and how time had been stolen from our lives because of cancer. Each story was profound and each struggle prolific and each woman still had a smile on her face after sharing it with me… Just like Momma used to do.

And then I met Ethan.. A reality TV star. You would think his celebrity status would diminish the harshness of his struggle, or his professional soccer talent would hinder the brutality of his disease or even think… Nah, he’s too handsome to go through such pain and suffering. But cancer is not prejudice. It picks whoever it wants and it usually picks the good people. It picked his dad. He lost him to cancer when he was just a boy. And cancer picked on him, too… Twice.

Ethan was well known for his long hair but insisted on being in control of his cancer and shaved himself bald. He was still very striking. And then he shared a video diary of himself while on treatment.

He cried while watching himself as if the suffering all came back to him that very instant. He never said it but insinuated that there were moments that he didn’t think he could make it… And moment that he didn’t want to. And then he looked up with years in his eyes as he admitted the reality … “And it can come back again.”

The second time cancer hit him, he said “It hit me in the gut.” He said he had to do something …. SOMETHING. It was his “do something moment”. I know that feeling all too well.

My whole family had been effected by cancer. It will never ever be the same again. I am hit in the gut in a way that you may not understand but I promised y’all is be candid. And just as Ethan was incredible candid with me tonight, I’ll share this tonight with y’all….

I feel guilty. I feel guilty for not being chosen. I feel guilty for being healthy, for taking my health for granted all these years, and for NOT going anything until it was too late to enjoy it with those who are now gone.

There will be lines that can never be crossed. There will be finish lines that I hope will never end for me. Countless I hope! There will be limits that I hope to break and limits that I hope will never ever be touched.

Do you know what your limits are?

Oh Sissy… What a journey you’ve chosen for me!

*ps — I dreamt Donny last night. He was his six year old self sitting with me in front of the tv in the living room in the house on Samano watching Saturday morning cartoons together… As we always did. Can you guess what was on the tv? Can you guess what we were singing? #schoolhouserock #imjustabill

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Super Hero

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 16, 2014 by runmyssierun

I was going back over my memory of CapTexTri from last year and then googled it to see what others had recorded from it just to make sure that I hadn’t missed something that others experienced. I found a news site that had a gallery of photos in a slide show that was pretty much in chronological order from start to finish.

http://www.kvue.com/news/slideshows/Photos-Capital-of-Texas-Triathlon-209357521.html?gallery=y&c=y#/news/slideshows/Photos-Capital-of-Texas-Triathlon-209357521.html?gallery=y&c=y&img=121&c=y

Seriously cool how I burst out into laughter as I saw myself on there!!! I had no clue I was in that slideshow. And it was perfect too because I had just talked to the TEAM about how important it was to me to always be caught smiling no matter how bad my body was hurting because my Momma never showed pain or fear to the world during her treatments – although I’m sure she was plenty scared and in more pain than I could ever imagine.

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This hasn’t been an easy road. Certainly not filled with rainbows and butterflies!!! Each day brings me face to face with people who scoff at my actions and even more who get a sick thrill to stab my back… but all of this has made me stronger. I may not be where I want to be but I’m much further away from where I hated to be.

I pray that this journey will lead me to where it is that I SHOULD be and I have faith that it will. What I do know from experience is that no success that has value was ever earned without sacrifice and hardship.

I shared with you this last weekend’s “hero” reference and what it meant to me. I remember naively saying to myself that nothing could top that… oh boy, was I wrong.

On Monday, shortly after I picked up my little boy from school, we went immediately to Barnes and Noble bookstore to get a book so that he could work on his project. While walking the aisles of the store, he pointed to a journal.

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“Look Mom!” he said.

“Wow! That’s cool! Who do you want to get this for?” I asked.

He looked at me with a puzzled face, “You! You’re Wonder Woman.”

God, please, forgive me. I know lately many times I’ve questioned why I am on this crazy journey and have questioned to what extent it is benefitting me and my family or to anyone for that matter… and why some of those who I care most about in this world have tried desperately to dissuade me from this path…

Thank you. Thank you, God.  Because at that moment in that store holding my hand, he looked at me the exact same way I looked at my Momma.

While I hardly feel like I am a Super Hero, I do feel that if anyone does feel this way about me, it is certainly just as I stated in my farewell speech as Miss Edinburg over twenty years ago, “I was chosen Miss Edinburg not because I was me but because of how my Mother taught me to be. I am a reflection of her. This crown belongs to her.”

She is the real Super Hero. If you feel that I am a hero or hear someone call me one, it is because you can see her in my eyes, in my heart and in my soul. And this is how I know she will always live in me.

Lynda is Dezma's mother.

Lynda is Dezma’s mother.

 

 

 

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My good days

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2014 by runmyssierun

“I don’t want them to pity me.” Sissy

She didn’t want people to pity her because of all she had been going through. She wanted to give them HOPE. And she’s probably going to be really upset that I’m including this in my blog for every Joe Blow in the whole wide world to read… but what very few people knew was that even after agreeing to go through experimental chemo cocktails with no success, shortly before she passed away, Sissy donated her body to science with hope that she would somehow still be able to help the world find a cure for cancer.

Somewhere out here in our world, right this very minute, there is a scientist out here closer to a cure because his or her medical journal has the results of a test that told the world that her body responded either negatively or positively to and gave that staff more insight because of her selfless choice. To me, that’s a real hero. Somewhere out here in this world, there’s a little bit of Sissy that still looks out for us.

Somewhere out here in our world, there are two precious boys (Nico and Sammy)who are likely going through those awkward growing up phases that boys go through – the time that I remember Donny the most (his awkward stage).  Donny loved those two boys so much, more than anything in the world! Life just dealt Donny too much at one time and he had a bad habit of locking up all his worries inside his head and he never coped with those pressures in a healthy way. With Momma and Sissy at MD Anderson with cancer, losing his pharmaceutical sales job, going through a divorce and dealing with debt growing at an exponential rate because of excessive shopping habits and worst of all… the emotional stress that all this did to him, I’m very happy that he prepared to take care of his boys after his death. To me, with all that he had to endure and still come out with his legacies taken care of, that’s a real hero.

And here… right here, I am challenged to push my body and mind to exceed limits I never knew existed. I am constantly questioning myself with “Is this how Momma would have done this?” It is now my responsibility to make sure I live out the rest of my life the way Momma taught me to. I hear her voice echo in my head over and over “el flojo trabaja doble”, “the early bird gets the worm” and “the squeaky wheel gets the grease”. You see, when I was young, I was quiet and shy and very insecure with just a handful of close friends. I was a quirky introvert… just like my dad. But I wanted soooo much to be more like my Momma. She was awesome! She was cool! She was beautiful! She was talented! She was smart! She was popular! She could do anything! Anything!!!

She loved her family. She worked hard. She played harder. And she was involved in EVERYTHING that was cool in this little community! Ok, let me correct that… she MADE everything that she was involved in super cool!!! Because of this, everyone wanted to be around her because she was just so much fun to be around so all the events and organizations she volunteered for were always successful.

So this week as Daddy and I remembered Momma and Donny and Sissy, I was predictably given more signs… and of course… I had to follow. From the flower arrangements I placed at their gravesites, to the Beatles songs that played randomly on the radio, to the movies that popped up on TV, to my two little lovebirds that made it “official” this week, to the contracts that fell through (likely Sissy’s doings since she hated gossip and drama and knew that it would probably blow up in my face later on with them), to the return of peace and love and happiness back into what remains of our little family, to being asked by the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society to lobby for cancer research funding and easier access to affordable treatment for cancer patients in Washington DC in a few weeks, to the odd number of elephant sightings in just one week (Momma collected elephants)… I knew Momma was here… right here by my side still pushing me and triggering that voice in my head guiding every move I made.

It was right after our TEAM’s open water swim practice, after I successfully did the group’s Mission Moment without crying (even talking about the anniversary of Momma’s and Donny’s death), when Sarah’s mom, Anita, posted countless photos and videos of the ABSOLUTELY STUNNING LAKE and our group doing a phenomenal job at swimming from dock to dock and then called us all “Super heroes”. To her, I am a hero.

Do you have any idea how special that is? To have a little girl who is fighting cancer call you a hero?!?!?!

I don’t have words for this feeling.

If you knew Sarah and Anita… If you were lucky enough to get one of Sarah’s hugs… and she called you a hero… You’d be speechless, too.

I had refrained from posting a lot this week because I didn’t want my blog to have an air of sadness or instigate pity as a result of Momma and Donny’s anniversaries. But the joke’s on me…

These were all pretty good days.

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Two years without Mimi

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 8, 2014 by runmyssierun

https://soundcloud.com/maliavibes/nat-king-cole-smile-cover

It was two years ago today, right this very moment, that I crawled into bed with my Momma, held her hand, smoothed her hair back and whispered into her ear that it was ok to let go of us and stop the pain she was in. I remember hearing what the hospice nurses called the “death rattle”. I was the only one in the room with her in the end.

A few nights before, she had become quite antsy and restless. It was difficult for her to walk but she was adamant about going from her bed to the living room to watch TV on the couch. I lifted her up and walked her over, carefully holding her under her shoulders just incase she fell along the way. It was about 3:00 a.m. This would be the last time that she would have a conversation with me.

“I’m so sorry you have to see me go through this,” she said.

After I gathered my will and a bit of silence passed, I responded “I’m so glad it’s me you allowed to see you go through this.” I laid my head down on her frail bony shoulder as we sat on the couch together and she held me in her arms for the last time that night.

April 8, 2012, Easter Sunday, two years ago today… If you believe in the biblical story of Jesus Christ and know about the time when he began his journey of suffering, of crucifixion and death…it matches exactly the same time frame that Momma followed that day. I truly believe in the deepest part of my heart that she chose that day and that time to join her Lord and Mother Mary for that reason. I wish with all my might I could have faith and strength like hers.

I held her hand as she took her last breath.

No other honor in my life time can ever surpass that honor. I now live my life trying to smile like her no matter how hard it gets. I now live my life reflecting all that she taught me no matter what anyone else tells me. I now live my life like hers so that my children can feel the love that I felt for her.

I love you Momma.

The miles I run for you will always be Mimi’s Miles. Cancer picked the wrong woman.

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Suddenly I see

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 31, 2014 by runmyssierun

https://soundcloud.com/jessica-wagner/14-suddenly-i-see-kt-tunstall

What a week!!!!

I’ll start off with the biggest news ever… oh wait… IT’S ALL THE BIGGEST NEWS EVER!!!

The Inaugural RGV CAP5k (CAP is an abbreviation for Colonoscopy Assistance Program – we provide financial aid to those high risk patients who reside in the Rio Grande Valley and cannot afford to pay for a colonoscopy) was a GRAND success!!! When our little committee of Laura, myself, Alex, Adriee and Maritza all got together for coffee to plan this 5k fundraiser, we nonchalantly said “expect about 50-100 race participants”. With all the community support and sponsors, we had over 300 race participants!!!  We’re still tallying total funds and can’t wait to begin disbursing them to those who need it.

RGV CAP5k

The Health Nut’s promotion of “The Myssie Shake” was fun and viral!! It got people out there to drink a healthy shake instead of a Whatasized #2. Some people had never had a shake and it was refreshingly comical to witness their reactions. We probably didn’t raise millions of dollars from this promotion but it got people to start making healthier choices that to their surprise actually tasted pretty good!!!

While at the CAP5k packet pick up, I got a gazillion urgent messages from the LLS office. The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society asked if I would lobby and testify for cancer research funding in Washington DC for them!!!! What an honor!!! I still need more details but to be honest, even if it helps just ONE PERSON… I’m all in!!!

Training this weekend was a complete flop for me. I had the race on Saturday morning and a few personal issues that stopped me from attending my practices and scheduled workouts and I have a feeling that the remainder of this season will be a number of stumbling blocks before each one. I’m going to have to be creative and adamant about sticking to my plan of attack for CAPTEX.

Remember, if you want to participate in the Capital of Texas Triathlon the last weekend of May, use the code CAPTEX1402 in your registration and you’ll get 10% off the cost of registration. You’re welcome! And thank you!

Best part of this weekend? Walking the CAP5k course before sunrise and feeling the awesome cool winds from my weather angels and following the “orange signs”.  I knew in my heart at that very moment… Momma would have been happy. 

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With a little help from my friends

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 24, 2014 by runmyssierun

https://soundcloud.com/themaine/with-a-little-help-from-my

They say it takes a village to raise a child… and without any offense to my Momma and my family – in fact I am quite certain that she would agree – I am living proof because this community sure has picked me up to a place where I never ever thought I could be!

Officially changing the spelling to The "Myssie"!!!

Officially changing the spelling to The “Myssie”!!!

The Health Nut (a local chain of stores independently owned and operated) that makes healthy shakes and smoothies has a shake that is labeled “a local favorite” named “The Missy Shake” and I swear it really is the best tasting healthy shake EVER!!! Well, when I walked in on Friday… they (brother and sister Michael and Sara) coyly reached into the drawer and pulled out a label spelled “Myssie” to replace the original lettering!!! This coming weekend, they will be offering “The Myssie” at a discount and donating that discount to my Mimi’s Miles fund!!!

Click on the photo to get WINdetergent to launder your own sports gear and finally get that funky smell out!

Click on the photo to get WINdetergent to launder your own sports gear and finally get that funky smell out!

Windetergent is also donating a portion of the proceeds from the sales of orders from this link: http://tnt.windetergent.com/myssie

*If you haven’t tried WINdetergent, YOU NEED TO!!! No more stinky bike shorts and drifit running jerseys and sports bras for me!!!

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I’ve had jewelry (necklaces and bracelets) custom designed to symbolize the love between my mother and I with our now famous hand sign made by the former Miss Corpus Christi (*True story – I was asked to be “the other woman” in Selena’s last video but I couldn’t make it and suggested Miss Corpus Christi as a replacement. She was stunning. There’s no way I could have done a better job. Here’s her video) She made about 100 necklaces and bracelets with her own hands and donated all her labor.

I’m still in need of a corporate sponsor this season. And I am sure this company is going to run into me when I least expect it. Maybe this is the wrong way of doing things but so far… all my “signs” have led me to so many awesome people. I’m hoping my signs stay true and lead me to the company who understands how important this cause is… not just for me…but also for the community, the nation, the world… but more personally, for it’s employees and their loved ones.

It is with this frame of mind that I am so honored that Life Time Triathlon chose me as their ambassador this year! I’m still in shock!

Use the code #CAPTEX1402 to get 10% off your CapTexTri registration

Use the code #CAPTEX1402 to get 10% off your CapTexTri registration

Spread this around and make it viral! If you are a triathlete or know one or have been on the fence about becoming one… use this code #CAPTEX1402 when you register for the Capital of Texas Triathlon on May 26, 2014, in Austin, Texas, and you receive 10% off your registration fee and you’ll be using that discount to help fight blood cancers via #Mimismiles all in memory of my Momma!!!

And now I’ve been asked to participate in so many other cancer events!!! I now sit on the Board for the CAP5k (Colonoscopy Assistance Program) which fundraises via 5k race events – among other events – and the proceeds go to fund local Rio Grande Valleyites that are high risk for colon cancer and need assistance paying for their colonoscopies. The 5k is this coming weekend and you can register through active.com or this link right here:

http://www.active.com/mcallen-tx/running/races/rgv-cap-5k-run-walk-2014?int=72-3-A4

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I was also asked to be part of Doctor’s Hospital at Renaissance’s Colon Cancer Awareness Walk with the Doc tonight. “The Doc” is Dr. Belinda Jordan who happened to be my very first TNT Mentor!!! I got a text from Annabell and a reminder from Gaby and they even got me a t-shirt for the event! I love how there is a great sudden move to push people from the uncomfortable taboo subject of people’s “privates” and making it a bit more socially acceptable and comfortable to talk/ask about Colorectal Cancer and Ovarian Cancer. If you are around here locally and would like to join me tonight, please please please do so! #bottomsup

Walk with the Doc

And speaking of Ovarian Cancer… I was invited to attend a little intimate discussion about Ovarian Cancer and the Sprint for Like 5k with staff from MD Anderson at the home of Rosalie Weisfeld. I had no idea that there wasn’t a test for “Gyn Cancers”. I honestly thought that my CA-125 was all that I needed and since I was ok on that test, I was off the hook! I think I was wrong!!! I honestly learn something new on the subject of Cancer every day! But the best part about that afternoon was listening to Heather Marks talk about her experience. Her journey began just two months before my Momma’s. I am so very happy that her story had a happy ending. I do still believe in hope even after all we have been through. 

Sharing their stories about ovarian cancer and the Sprint for Life 5k Run/Walk and the Sprint for Sprouts Kids Run! All benefitting research and awareness for the Blanton-Davis Ovarian Cancer Research Program. Thank you Rosalie Weisfeld for hosting this discussion!

Sharing their stories about ovarian cancer and the Sprint for Life 5k Run/Walk and the Sprint for Sprouts Kids Run! All benefitting research and awareness for the Blanton-Davis Ovarian Cancer Research Program. Thank you Rosalie Weisfeld for hosting this discussion!

And now for my training update!!! My tummy has been giving me lots of issues this week. It’s gone so long now that I will probably go visit the doctor about it. (it’s been almost a week like this!)

I wasn’t able to attend the group swim practice this week but did get to make it up plus an extra swim workout the following day. My bike ride on Tuesday morning was torture on my legs but after the first few miles, I was able to get back into my groove. I wasn’t able to make the Thursday ride since I was saving my legs for the Team McAllen Time Trial on Sunday. But was able to easily get coaxed by my fellow San Francisco TNT alumni and CAP Board Member, Laura, as she blurted out to me that she wanted to become a triathlete, too! So we went swimming!!!

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And of course… as we were hanging over the ledge of the pool chit chatting… we naturally go into the discussion of cycling. Wouldn’t you know it.. the following day, she comes back with a beauty of a bike from my bike guru, Wally Alaniz at Wally’s Bicycles!

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I’m not sure who’s more excited, me or her, about her new adventure in triathlon!

Saturday morning was our TNT TriTeam’s first real long ride. It was about 27 miles. I arranged for two of us to SAG because I predicted the group breaking off into two. I was right! One of my fellow cyclepaths was eagerly  volunteered into the SAG position 😉 And I rode in the next car with all my safety gear.

Sure enough, on the second loop of the great city of Granjeno, Gio gets a flat. I quickly jump out of my car with pump and tube in hand. Flip the bike over and carefully give her instructions while helping her put the wheel on and off and replacing the busted out tube. HOWEVER… in my haste I think I may have punctured the tube by pinching it on the side with the tool and knew that the rest of the group would be at the third loop by that time. In frustration, I packed up the bike and found the group at the corner convenience store along with many of the 5am’ers and TMC cyclists. With my tail between my legs, I handed over the bike to Coach W where she began the tire changing lesson as if it was as easy as boiling water.

Lesson: I still need more practice changing tires! I can’t afford to have this happen again!

On a happy note, the group did awesome! There were about 4 PRs that morning!

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Nothing can stop this group now! #renlentless

And then Sunday morning came around… the Team McAllen Time Trials!! This would be my third time trial but my first on the Cervelo! I arrived LATE because of my diarrhea I had been having all week long but more so that night before and that morning!!! I was dehydrated but stubborn. I needed to see that I was improving.

It was sooooo worth it! I shaved two minutes off my time from just last month!

TT 3 2014

Remembering WHY I am here doing what I am doing.

I went back through my blog to this week two years ago and re-read this entry. I cried to myself and vividly remember and felt every emotion just as if I were right back there. So, to the person who wrote me last night about her mother that recently passed away, know that your emotions are valid and it really does take more than a week of grieving to heal… but it does get better and you do get stronger and the grace that your mother had finds its way into your heart some way some how.

Here’s the entry from two years ago:

March 21, 2012

quit (verb) – to stop trying, struggling, or the like; accept or acknowledge defeat.

These past two weeks were emotionally difficult for me. I saw my usually vivacious, super-power infused mother weak, frail and suffering. What ever was in this last treatment knocked everything out of her. I could get my thumb and touch it with my index finger and her leg could fit right through it. Her hair has now fallen off and her normally wrinkle free olive skin has an odd grayish/yellow tint to it.

I was worried – really worried – for the first time ever. So I spent the weekend with her and then called her main doctor at MD Anderson. After questioning me about her symptoms, we agreed that it was best for her to return to Houston for a week so he could monitor her better under medical staff care. I was not comforted by his concern.

She grabbed my hand and squeezed it with all her might and looked me straight in the eyes and said “I’m worried about Myssie. She has so much on her plate right now. Can you keep an eye on her and help out?”

We had been warned that her memory functions may be lost as a result of her last radiation treatment. I don’t know who she thought I was at the time but I was glad that I had the strength and courage not to have the shock and sadness show in my reaction to her as I replied with “I will Momma, I will. Don’t you worry. I’ll take good care of her.”

That was Sunday about noon time. They drove to MD Anderson on Sunday afternoon and met with her doctor on Monday morning.

I was sitting at my desk working on a proposal for a client of mine just shortly before lunch. I had a ton of meetings scheduled and needed tons more to make my quota. The stress was insane. That’s when I got the phone call from Dad.

“Myssie, can you talk?”

“Yes Daddy. What did the doctor say?”

“It’s not good. There’s nothing more that they can do. We’re coming home…. right now. They’ve released her to hospice. We’ll be home about 6:30.”

There must have been at least a year of silence after that. I was crushed.

Why?

I was asked just days ago by my Team in Training coach why I was running. Why I was putting my body through this? What was I doing this for?

As silly as it may sound, part of me was hoping that God would see how hard I was trying. That He would see that I was willing to take the pain away from her and volunteer it onto me in order to not have her suffer any more. I wanted that pain and suffering to quit. I wanted cancer to quit. Because I wasn’t going to allow myself to quit. I would never quit.

Well, that was until I heard those words from my dad.

I did want to quit. I wanted so badly to throw in the towel and give up. Why should I run? Really, why should I? It’s not like running a marathon will produce a cure for my mom as I cross the finish line. What am I doing? I should just quit.

I thought long and hard about how to tell friends and family about the news. I wanted to be angry and blame everything from preservatives to toxic land for her suffering. But I am so glad I didn’t. I took a deep breath and took a step back and told myself now is how I must example the way she brought me up.

The following is what I posted to friends and family on my facebook wall:

Science and medicine has done all that it possibly can. Momma has shown incredible strength and faith through these tough 6-plus years. The choice to discontinue treatment does not mean that she has quit. It means that she is strong enough to accept God’s will and live the remainder of her life with her family and friends at home instead of hotel rooms and hospitals. I am so very proud of her bravery, so very thankful to her miraculous team of doctors and so very grateful for everyone’s prayers, kind gestures and help. Keep them coming.

See, my mother is not a quitter. Cancer will likely beat her body. But it won’t beat her. She’ll never quit. Her legacy will live on and continue to teach us, to love us and to give unto others. She never quit. And neither will I.

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