It sure has been a loooooong time! But sometimes time is exactly what is needed to heal the body, the mind and the soul. Time was used wisely to focus on OTHER goals, other parts of my life that were neglected and needed attention and the dedication and lessons learned in marathon and triathlon training helped tremendously!
I lost a lot of strength, endurance and confidence but guess what???
The support around me remained constant. The cause that got me here grew more vicious. And here I am… toe to toe with it.
I’m ready now. Baby steps back to it. Every month in 2019, I’ll push myself a little bit further to be a little bit better to help a little bit more. And I’m not alone in this!!!!
“You need to eat low carb and high protein. Lots of meat!”
“No, you need to stop killing animals. Go vegan. Eat fruits and berries and vegetables and you’ll be fit naturally.”
“No, all you need is this meal replacement shake that you can buy from me.”
Everywhere I turn, there seems to be people who tell me how I’m supposed to be doing things… and yet, here I am… still.
I remember growing up watching my mom drinking tab and being on the grapefruit diet. I’m guilty of buying a Shake Weight, thigh master and some ridiculous balance thingamajig that a couple of fellow Realtors® convinced me to get with them – and never used.
I remember my husband’s grandmother eating a full box of chocolate exlax every other night and being surrounded by a bunch of beauty queens with other notorious eating disorders that seemed oddly ordinary at the time. In my house, there was a full set of Gilad, Jane Fonda, Buns of Steel and Cindy Crawford on betamax tapes.
I pay an $80 monthly membership for my husband’s jujitsu gym that he went to a couple of time about 7 months ago. Also pay for a monthly membership for us to go to another gym and now pay extra for spin classes that I can get free with my monthly gym membership at the other place. I’ve paid for medical weightloss programs like HCG and tried every diet known to mankind like keto, adkins, paleo, bone broth, vegan, vegetarian, fasting, juicing, eating five servings of air a day, etc…. only to find that my triglycerides go through the roof, extremities swell up like the elephant man and end up gaining more weight than when I started the silly diet! I’ve tried to melt off pounds with saunas, hot yoga and trashbag looking sweat suits and even tried to freeze off love handles with cryotherapy (although cryo is really good for other things and muscle recoop that I love and saunas for simple peace) and continue to remain the flabalanche that I am. I’ve hesitantly bought into programs where if I just drink this shake, I can magically melt off the pounds…. really just look at these before and after pictures of one of their clients yada yada yada. And have now had the horrible thought go through my head where I’ve reduced myself to giving up and thinking if I just go get a mommy make over now, could I possibly have enough time to recover and be perfect for my son’s wedding pictures? Every possible option has been entertained, hesitantly entered, jumped in head first 100% and still failed miserably.
Thousands of dollars spent and hundreds of pounds lost and gained and lost again and gained back… I’ve come to the conclusion that health and fitness is NOT a one size fits all solution. Until I did things the old fashioned way – the hard way – the long way – and even then, got hurt and have found myself starting over.
Each one of our bodies are different from the other and so are our genetics, our good habits, bad habits, every day physical behaviors, customs and beliefs. To get sucker punched hard enough to think that there is one magic pill, shake or exercise and diet program that can conquer this multifaceted dilemma is seriously far fetched.
What I write about in this blog is what my own personal family history, upbringing, genetics and experiences have brought me. It may NOT fit you. If you have just started reading this blog, go to the search box and type in “How it all started” and read the entries in chronological order, How It All Started I, How It All Started II and How It All Started III.
I’ve learned through the course of all this time, expense and great lessons is simple:
Make better food choices: If God didn’t make it naturally, don’t eat it. If you ate something you aren’t supposed to and/or too much of it, just get up and get yourself back onto the band wagon and start over. We all fall down some time.
Move: do something you like to do so it’s not such a downer chore. Gardening, Zumba, Soccer, Marathons, Triathlons, Hiking, Roller Blading, Walking, Crossfit, nigh club dancing… whatevs… just do something and do it consistently.
Don’t compare yourself to others or yourself from way back when: I have ONE nemesis, 22 year old Myssie. You remember that girl, the one who ate pizza and nachos and cheese puffs and still had the body to die for? Ugh! I hate that girl!!!!
Simple huh?
Yeah right. I’m still and will always be a work in progress. Always seeking out something fun to keep me active, and open to new ideas… yeah, even a shake weight. I do good on the food choices… MOST of the time and other times, eh, not so good.
I work – a lot. It’s not an excuse. It’s my personal priority at this moment. Yes, there IS a difference. I am a mom. It’s not an excuse. It’s a priority and although I’m not having to deal with changing diapers and lack of sleep like a new mom, I do deal with the stress of having a son being deployed, not knowing where he is, what he’s doing, if he’s healthy, hurt, etc… and another son who is a teenager in that stage where he is going through some of life’s most difficult challenges. I’m still a mom. It is my priority. I am also a wife. It’s not an excuse. It is a priority. His job is dangerous – like REALLY dangerous. I stress out about that, too. And equally dangerous is the temptation of countless other women who throw themselves at him in hopes that he gives them the life they see us have. It’s an endless, daily struggle balancing, prioritizing, executing, conquering, failing and doing it all over again day after day. I’m a stress eater… see where I’m going with this???
Get to know yourself, what sets you off, what is the root cause of your unhealthy behaviors and find solutions that work for you to chip away little by little to make yourself better each day.
If I sound like you… a working woman, midlife, tons of stress seeking ways to live a longer, healthier, happier life, follow/join me. Let’s try to help each other out. No subscription, no monthly payment, no book to buy, no club to join, no magic powder to put in your meal replacement shake. This is me. Just me. Wanting to help you. All of you. In hopes that in the end, we just all help each other help each other.
Did you grow up watching all those cheesy holiday claymation movies they air on TV every year? Even worse, over the years, did it secretly become your guilty obsession and now look forward to watching them? *ya, me too!
So if you’re anything like me and life has thrown an obstacle in front of your training and had to find yourself starting over again, you’ve probably felt like I did… like the Winter Warlock!!!!
Here I am… a year without new bling on my medal rack, 40 pounds up, rickety rackety, going clickety clackety, and with every single excuse in the book just chomping at the bit to be used. And then I thought to myself… wow Myssie, you vain, selfish, plastic, immature girl! What is this? A midlife meltdown??? DID YOU FORGET YOUR WHY????
Holy cow did that wake me up!
Ok, so yes, I got injured. That’s not an excuse – it’s a legit reason to stop and heal. But look at Alex – she was jackknifed in her car and her femur broke. A year later, she’s not letting that stop her. She’s out jogging on the trail with her new fiance. Look at Angela – she had a full knee replacement and SHE invited YOU to a spin class??? What happened to the Myssie I knew and loved? Why is she sitting there quietly behind a computer screen purposely avoiding workouts by over working herself in real estate???
*If you haven’t already figured this out… my inner sarcastic mean voice has taken over my finger tips and is now typing away and letting you in on our inner conversations. Be careful because she’s a feisty one!!! Just get out of her way and let her speak her peace.
See, the Myssie I knew… the Myssie we all grew to know over the last few years told us that she’d never stop so long as she could continue…. what happened? What happened to that promise? And why are you so worried about what you look like now? Good lord we’ve seen you dripping wet sweaty in a spandex trisuit alongside uber fit 20-somethings… you seriously can’t look any worse than that flabalanche that was posted all over the interwebs!!! Get over yourself. Suck it up buttercup. Get back on the saddle and just be the best you that you can be. Your weight yoyos. So what? There’s photographic evidence that you’ve been hot before. There’s pics of you with double chins, lonjas and arm flab. So what? Dude, you’re alive. You can smile. You have health, family, love, friends and you are so blessed. Seriously, did you forget your why?
wow
Sometimes my inner voice can be brutally spot on
So, yeah… I just woke up one morning and decided to make the decision again. And here I am. Old, fat, jiggly, determined and remembering my why. Regretting how stupidly vain and insecure I’ve been. And before I knew it, with the Cure blasting in my ear buds, I had jogged 2 miles along the same trail that got me started in 2011.
I reached out for support since I knew that’s how I succeeded before. Unfortunately, too many others out there are like me, too, and Team in Training is no longer. It doesn’t take much to have excuses tempt us to stay away from a commitment to self improvement… especially if it’s hard work and easier to eat tacos or drink margaritas or watch This is Us.
So this is it. It’s time to be my own hero. I remember.
I’ve been much quieter about my goals and my actions. I don’t post my run times, workouts, pace or distance on social media anymore because I’ve learned now that there are people in this world who do not see this as inspiration but as either something to be jealous of or looked down on. It invites comparison. And comparison is the thief of joy. I remember my bike guru telling me something like this years ago but I guess I hadn’t truly understood the wisdom behind his words at the time. So, I invite others to come do whatever with me. I go at their pace, not mine… just so long as I can get these old bones moving. I know my body and my capabilities and know better than to jump into a group way over my capacity… but I’ll get there again… some day… soon.
Because I remember
I remember, I need to live on in her honor
I remember, I need to finish what she started
I remember, I have a family, too, that needs me
I remember, I have a lot to prove… to myself, to her, to the world
I remember, she was so awesome
Along with the workouts… I took on a much bigger challenge of hers, too. I went back into real estate just like her. But not like I did three years ago as a team leader. I went full monty. Totally humbled myself and went straight to the bottom to work myself up just so that I could know that I was able to accomplish everything on my own the way she taught me. Real estate is a brutal dog-eat-dog industry mostly made of wealthy thick skinned stubborn people set in their ways (ok, not all but the majority of those considered “successful”)… and then there’s me, because of her. And in the same way I went from couch to 5k to marathon, I went from beginner sales to… well, beginner sales 🙂 hahahaha
Perspective and humility have become my secret weapon.
Good old fashioned hard work daily with one day of “long runs” weekly… and after a couple of years, you’re in the marathon. That’s all this is… it’s a marathon journey. Whether running or real estate, money, love, spirituality, education, family, whatever… you can switch the goal every second of the day, so long as you consistently do the hard work daily, be grateful for the ability to do your best, honor and recognize your cheerleaders and sponsors and organizers and fellow team mates (because we’re all running the race together) and listen to your coach, you’ll find beer at the finish line and a new race the next day. Don’t stop. Don’t forget.
Just put one foot in front of the other and never forget your why.
That first step is always the hardest… but it gets better. Trust me, you’ll never go anywhere without it.
Stay in your lane: It doesn’t matter what the person next to you is doing. Focus on what YOU are doing. Your goal is different from theirs. Your journey to that goal is different from theirs. Focus on your goal. Stay in your lane.
The hard work you put in on weekends shows: It also shows if you DON’T put in your hard work. In marathon training, this is when you schedule your “long run” and in triathlon training, this is when you schedule your “long ride”. In business, as a new entrepreneur, this is when you do most of your hard work. Yes, it’s hard. Suck it up buttercup. The finish line isn’t during training. If you finish during training… it’s called quitting. Winners don’t quit. And if you’re reading this… you’re no quitter.
We all have our own reasons to be in the race: Our reasons are usually all extremely personal and not one of us has the right to judge the other on why we chose to enter the race (or the rat race of business), why we want to be there and why we chose our goal. Bottom line is that we’re all in this race together. Like it or not, some of us will DNF, some will finish, some will meet our goals, some will not, some will get the award and still feel unfulfilled and some won’t get the award and still feel accomplished. We’re all in this together.
Pace yourself: There’s nothing more defeating than burn out.
Nutrition and rest: A healthy mind, spirit and body is essential to any high functioning human being with a grand goal. Feed your body and mind with nothing but the good stuff. Show it respect for all the hard work it is producing. And let yourself rest correctly – that means no distractions. Meditation, prayer, sleep, all of it. REGULARLY.
Surround yourself with experienced successful people: It is a known fact that humans become like the 5 people they are most around. Success breeds success because we pick up the good habits, mentality and determination from those around us. If we surround ourselves with those who complain and gossip a lot, then we tend to complain and gossip a lot. But it we surround our selves with people who continuously succeed, encourage and mentor, then we become like them, too.
Surround yourself with newbies: Its very easy to take your journey towards success for granted so it’s important to keep humility a priority. Never let pride and ego take control. There is a force much larger than any of us that will quickly knock you to your knees. Never forget why you started. Share your experience and mentor those at the starting block and never forget that feeling of excitement, fear and joy as the newbie in this journey of yours!
Listen to your coach: Just do what they tell you to do. You can have reasons (excuses) or results. The choice is yours. I recommend from the get go, just do what your coach tells you to do. If you question your coach, question it from an educational standpoint and not one of rebellion because you think you know better.
There’s always another finish line in the midst: If you are an athlete or an entrepreneur or both, then you’ll understand that even when you reach one goal, there’s always another bigger, better goal shortly after that one. If you’re in sales and you get awarded for most sales in the quarter, I’ll bet your manager will raise that goal by x% next year and if you meet it, it’ll get raised again even higher. If you finished a 5k this past Spring at a sub :25, you’re probably making a going to shoot for a sub :20 next time or shoot for 10k in the Fall. There’s always always always a bigger goal and another finish line.
Be grateful: This is probably the most important lesson because if you look around you, you’ll quickly understand that there are a lot of people who wish they could do what you do, have the opportunities that you have, have the determination you do. You are blessed. Don’t ever take that for granted.
It’s not easy. There will always be obstacles. Trust in your training. Now, get to work.
quit (verb) – to stop trying, struggling, or the like; accept or acknowledge defeat.
These past two weeks were emotionally difficult for me. I saw my usually vivacious, super-power infused mother weak, frail and suffering. What ever was in this last treatment knocked everything out of her. I could get my thumb and touch it with my index finger and her leg could fit right through it. Her hair has now fallen off and her normally wrinkle free olive skin has an odd grayish/yellow tint to it.
I was worried – really worried – for the first time ever. So I spent the weekend with her and then called her main doctor at MD Anderson. After questioning me about her symptoms, we agreed that it was best for her to return to Houston for a week so he could monitor her better under medical staff care. I was not comforted by his concern.
She grabbed my hand and squeezed it with all her might and looked me straight in the eyes and said “I’m worried about Myssie. She has so much on her plate right now. Can you keep an eye on her and help out?”
We had been warned that her memory functions may be lost as a result of her last radiation treatment. I don’t know who she thought I was at the time but I was glad that I had the strength and courage not to have the shock and sadness show in my reaction to her as I replied with “I will Momma, I will. Don’t you worry. I’ll take good care of her.”
That was Sunday about noon time. They drove to MD Anderson on Sunday afternoon and met with her doctor on Monday morning.
I was sitting at my desk working on a proposal for a client of mine just shortly before lunch. I had a ton of meetings scheduled and needed tons more to make my quota. The stress was insane. That’s when I got the phone call from Dad.
“Myssie, can you talk?”
“Yes Daddy. What did the doctor say?”
“It’s not good. There’s nothing more that they can do. We’re coming home…. right now. They’ve released her to hospice. We’ll be home about 6:30.”
There must have been at least a year of silence after that. I was crushed.
Why?
I was asked just days ago by my Team in Training coach why I was running. Why I was putting my body through this? What was I doing this for?
As silly as it may sound, part of me was hoping that God would see how hard I was trying. That He would see that I was willing to take the pain away from her and volunteer it onto me in order to not have her suffer any more. I wanted that pain and suffering to quit. I wanted cancer to quit. Because I wasn’t going to allow myself to quit. I would never quit.
Well, that was until I heard those words from my dad.
I did want to quit. I wanted so badly to throw in the towel and give up. Why should I run? Really, why should I? It’s not like running a marathon will produce a cure for my mom as I cross the finish line. What am I doing? I should just quit.
I thought long and hard about how to tell friends and family about the news. I wanted to be angry and blame everything from preservatives to toxic land for her suffering. But I am so glad I didn’t. I took a deep breath and took a step back and told myself now is how I must example the way she brought me up.
The following is what I posted to friends and family on my facebook wall:
Science and medicine has done all that it possibly can. Momma has shown incredible strength and faith through these tough 6-plus years. The choice to discontinue treatment does not mean that she has quit. It means that she is strong enough to accept God’s will and live the remainder of her life with her family and friends at home instead of hotel rooms and hospitals. I am so very proud of her bravery, so very thankful to her miraculous team of doctors and so very grateful for everyone’s prayers, kind gestures and help. Keep them coming.
See, my mother is not a quitter. Cancer will likely beat her body. But it won’t beat her. She’ll never quit. Her legacy will live on and continue to teach us, to love us and to give unto others. She never quit. And neither will I.
What I learned after these years of painful reflection. Momma did not quit. Death did not win. Love never diminishes. Cancer won the battle but HER Love wins the war.
The moment is here. THIS is what I have trained so hard for. THIS will be the most difficult of all three challenges towards the “Triple Crown” that I am vying for. It is the Triathlon.
Allow me to take you back to Friday morning. I’ve tried very hard to balance my family and training these last few months. It is the precious moments like these that I now cherish so dearly. My time alone – just a few minutes really – that I have with my two boys before I drop them off at school. We go over the day’s schedule, chit chat, sing to the radio, laugh or what not. This Friday morning was certainly not a “what not” kind of morning.
I dropped off my “Little Skittles” first. We do our traditional morning routine – except that I didn’t make him his sandwich or hot pocket because…
Today I give thanks and honor to my mother and the many that mothered me.
My mother – an amazing woman who managed to mold my perception of the world as one of love, happiness, and fun in all things, places and people. She had a brilliant mind, the voice of a song bird, the courage of a lion and the heart of a saint. She raved about how determined her own mother was in her eyes and in my eyes, I saw all that she said of her own mother. WORDS CANNOT CAPTURE HOW MUCH I MISS HER IN MY LIFE.
My grandmother – a woman who was forced to grow up quickly during the war torn era of the Great Depression, she managed to help raise her youngest sister and paid for her to finish school by cutting hair and upholstering furniture while sacrificing her own education and opportunities. She was a fiercely determined woman of super human faith with a Sailor’s mouth that kept her family together, fed, alive, healthy… and adopted two more children because her heart truly was that awesome. And she managed to send all three children to private Catholic school, too.
My Aunt China (pronounced Chee-nah and not China like the country) aka Lucille Trevino – the first elected Hispanic woman in Hidalgo County, Texas, and the first woman who ingrained in me the love of costume jewelry and all that sparkles bold and dainty. China was a dignified, faith driven woman who stressed proper manners, vocalized her adoration of Pope John Paul II any chance she could get, was a staunch Democrat, loved a stiff drink occasionally and sweet chocolate bar or hard candy frequently. Because my Momma worked full-time, used her lunch hour to pick me up from school and drop me off at piano lessons, and used her nights to try to finish school, I spent the majority of my youth under the care of China… and Sissy, so I became much like them.
My Sissy – If anyone in the world would be considered a “cool mom” it would be Sissy. The duties of a mom go way further than simply giving birth to a child. If you have taught someone to LOVE and LIVE, then you have been a mom. Sissy mommed hard and dare I say harder than most Moms I know today. She even grandmommed and godmommed harder than any other grandmother or godmother I have ever known. And if you are a follower of this blog, you’ve read several times that I credit Sissy with saving my own life by forcing me to take up running for her as her last wish. I owe her my everything and am forever grateful.
My Dirty Gertie – always “mona” and a little bit off the cuff, this peleonera will not blink an eye to start a fight to defend the people she loves and she does not stop until she wins every fight. Trust me, you don’t want to see that side of her. She will wear you down before she gives up and she NEVER gives up. For years I’ve heard of horror stories between women and their mother in laws. I am so blessed that this isn’t the case for me. Now, as I see myself as a new future mother in law, I see all that she has done to support me and her son and our little family in all that she did. I hope to keep her lessons in my heart and offer the same understanding and support to my future daughter in law.
My Aunt Norma – she is a mom of boys but when I lost my own mother, she gracefully stepped in like a professional mom of a broken hearted princess and helped me heal as I watched the family I once knew and was so proud to be a part disappear. In matters of Real Estate, she was there to guide and discuss ideas and find solutions. In matters of family, she was there to listen and lend a shoulder to cry on. In matters of simple friendship, she was there to support. Moms are multifaceted super heros and she exemplified each part of being a mom even when she didn’t have to.
Cyndi – probably my dearest and most treasured friend and relatively new mom who moms hard because this chick is a freaking awesome hot smarty pants know it all who can do it all – seriously no limits. When I worried and complained about having a baby at what I thought was late in life at 35, this girl had to one up me by having TWINS ten years later just to shut me up and prove to me it can be done AND show me that they are the cutest Gerber babies ever AND work full time AND have all her **** together… ok, well, most of her **** together and still jam out to awesome playlists.
The Moms of PNO – taught me that as different as we all are, we share similarities in that we really love our children at a level that seems so different than so much of the rest of the world that surrounds us. They have taught me to love fiercely and fervently with a big stick, soft loving tone, chic style, proper grammar, a box of kleenex, belt busting belly laughs, everything thought and done under the eyes of God after a two mile jog, an hour of Mom-Fit, a glass of wine and a monogrammed matching sun hat kind of life. You just can’t get any more fabulous than these women that I am blessed to call my close friends. Each one is a treasure to me and offers a unique lesson to my heart that I hope to extend to my own children.
Mother Mary – for years I struggled in confusion over the love and adoration that my own mother had with Mary. It wasn’t until recently that I have come to understand it (thanks to ACTs and an epic epiphany) and hope to grow it. While all the other women written about above this name are incredible pillars of strength and ideals to me, Mary is who I hope most to emulate. If I struggled for so many years to understand her, I imagine it will take even longer – if ever even possible – to purposefully live my life like hers.
My sons and husband – these are my everything. They are the keepers of my heart, my source of joy and meaning. I’ve messed up a lot in my life and they have patiently loved me anyway. I’ve done some pretty awesome things in my life for them and for myself, and they loved me anyway. Whether selfish or selfless my actions or absence of actions were, the love is always always always constant and I am always always always seeking to improve on the way I mom because they deserve the absolute best mom from me.
I know I mentioned a lot of people but honestly, so many are missing from here. Teachers, God parents, friends, neighbors, bosses and co-workers….
You have all mommed me hard and loved me unconditionally. Thank you. Celebrate your day today and every day. Your love does not go unnoticed nor uncherished.
It was five years ago today, right this very moment, that I crawled into bed with my Momma, held her hand, smoothed her hair back and whispered into her ear that it was ok to let go of us and stop the pain she was in. I remember hearing what the hospice nurses called the “death rattle”. I was the only one in the room with her in the end.
A few nights before, she had become quite antsy and restless. It was difficult for her to walk but she was adamant about going from her bed to the living room to watch TV on the couch. I lifted her up and walked her over, carefully holding her under her shoulders just incase she fell along the way. It was about 3:00 a.m. This would be the last time that she would have a conversation with me. “I’m so sorry you have to see me go through this,” she said.
After I gathered my will and a bit of silence passed, I responded “I’m so glad it’s me you allowed to see you go through this.” I laid my head down on her frail bony shoulder as we sat on the couch together and she held me in her arms for the last time that night. April 8, 2012, Easter Sunday, five years ago today… If you believe in the biblical story of Jesus Christ and know about the time when he began his journey of suffering, of crucifixion and death…it matches exactly the same time frame that Momma followed that day. I truly believe in the deepest part of my heart that she chose that day and that time to join her Lord and Mother Mary for that reason. I wish with all my might I could have faith and strength like hers. I held her hand as she took her last breath. No other honor in my life time can ever surpass that honor. I now live my life trying to smile like her no matter how hard it gets. I now live my life reflecting all that she taught me no matter what anyone else tells me. I now live my life like hers so that my children can feel the love that I felt for her. I love you Momma.
The miles I run for you will always be Mimi’s Miles. Cancer picked the wrong woman.
It’s anniversary week and I’m not particularly fond of it. I try to smile through it all but this year is particularly awkward and lonely. A big thank you to Boston Strong marathoner Cyndi who posted this blog with all the right things to say when nothing right comes to my mind at this time.
It sucks. It is sad, it is lonely, it is heart breaking, it is life changing, it is painful, it is tragic, it is pathetic, it is devastating, it is depressing…it is just so damn bad. You feel as if your life will never go on. There is a void that can never be filled because there is no other love in this world like the love of a mother. There is so much that she has missed and will miss. It rips you up and tears you down. You feel empty, you feel lost. It leaves a huge gaping hole in your heart that will never, ever heal. It messes with your mind. It brings anger into your heart, anger than you know your mother wouldn’t want you to feel, but you feel it anyway. You’ll miss her, probably more…
RunMyssieRun 