The lovers, the dreamers and me

A man shared with me not too long ago that after he lost his child to cancer, he also lost his job, his house and his marriage. He used his sons college fund to pay for his daughters treatment and was head first in the quicksand of debt. He stared off into space as if he was reciting a poem that wasn’t authored by him. His voice cracked as he looked up and said “buy hey, I’ve got my health.”

I’ve had some pretty deep conversations lately with strangers. Isn’t that weird? How you can spill your guts to a total stranger easier than you can talk about those same feelings with your best friend? Hmmm you don’t? Well at this moment and with this topic… I did.

Maybe it’s because I’ve spilled my guts before to people who I thought were friends and they used that weak point against me later on. I’ve found that sometimes speaking to complete strangers is quite liberating. We can’t judge each other because we’ll never see each other again. It’s pure emotional venting of the soul.

Oh… wait… did I just call myself weak? Fantabulous!

See, I am weak. I am no stronger than anyone else out here. I cry. I sob. I turn red and blotchy and boogers run uncontrollably out of my nose and get rashes on my neck because of emotion. I shake in anger. I can’t speak in clear sentences when I’m flustered. I can’t sleep some nights. I can’t wake up some mornings. I have a tremendous amount of guilt that I must live with every single day. Why did cancer choose those that I loved instead of me? Why do I have to live without them? Why?

Ahhhhh… but remember that promise I made. I’m never going to let you see that side of me. I won’t say that it doesn’t exist because it does. But just as my mom didn’t allow others to see her in pain… I cannot allow you to see me in mine. Well, at least I keep it to an absolute minimum population.

So don’t you call me a fake because I’m smiling in all my photos. And don’t you try to compliment me by saying I’m strong or brave or courageous. I am none of these things.

I am my mother’s daughter.

That is the only label I will never wiggle out of.

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____

The book is on again. But I’m going back to square one. If I’m going to do this… I’m going to do it right. Taking much longer than I expected and it’s much tougher than I predicted. But isn’t that the story of my life? Book galleys to a select trusted few should be ready in about 90 days.

____

As promised, continued media links for Eddie Arguelles

http://www.themonitor.com/news/local/utpa-awards-posthumous-degree-to-cyclist-killed-in-edinburg/article_11097946-d8a9-11e3-86ef-001a4bcf6878.html?mode=jqm

http://www.krgv.com/news/bicyclist-struck-in-hit-and-run-receiving-posthumous-degree/

http://www.valleycentral.com/news/story.aspx?id=1044457#.U3ULDvldV8E

http://www.yourvalleyvoice.com/news/ride-of-silence-to-be-held-may-push-for-run/article_ed30afd4-db9c-11e3-82cf-001a4bcf887a.html

https://www.facebook.com/roycantu/media_set?set=a.10203787049420738.1073741834.1354313464&type=1

http://tablet.olivesoftware.com/Olive/Tablet/SanAntonioExpressNews/SharedArticle.aspx?href=SAEN%2F2014%2F05%2F13&id=Ar00108

http://www.krgv.com/news/bond-lowered-for-suspect-in-cyclist-s-death/

and what didn’t make the news… two of the ghost bikes that were to be dedicated at the Ride of Silence have been stolen.

 

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2 Responses to “The lovers, the dreamers and me”

  1. Celine Martinez Says:

    I experience the honor of listening to patient’s stories almost daily. They sometimes cry and just need to talk. Sometimes they just need a hug and other times I get to pray with them and let them know, they are not alone.
    Yes, sometimes talking to strangers is what’s needed.

    Like

  2. Reblogged this on RunMyssieRun and commented:

    As we approach this year’s annual Ghost Bike Ride, I wanted to share a bit of the video and articles from last year. What we did then as a community was huge. Awareness campaigns worked. As a result, there were ZERO fatalities this year in the City of McAllen. However, there were still several accidents within the City and fatalities in surrounding cities. We still have much work to do and we MUST do it together.

    Like

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