Easter this year

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Momma smiled through everything. No matter how difficult her life, situation or gut instinct was… she always smiled. The above photo was taken as she was being wheeled in to remove 9 brain tumors after having this metal “crown” drilled into her head. She still asked to be photographed so I could see that she was smiling. She taught me that. How to smile that is. She taught me to smile no matter what.

For years as a child, I wanted so badly to look like her, to act like her, to be like her.  I practiced smiling in the mirror with a picture of her in the reflection just so that I knew how to hold my lips in a smile that matched hers. I practiced this! I don’t think I truly ever really got it right… but as I look back, I’m pretty close.

Smiling like her though is not the difficult part.  The difficult part is smiling like her when it’s just plain difficult.

I’m not sure I can hold her smile on my face this week.

It’s the first Easter without her.

*For those of you that just started following my blog, she passed away on Easter Sunday

It has always been a family tradition to spend Easter Sunday at her house hunting for “cascarones” (aka Easter eggs). We didn’t do it last year – clearly because of her passing. This year, dad and I don’t quite know how to celebrate it. My youngest boy is still young enough to enjoy the tradition of hunting for Easter eggs. My oldest boy is loving enough to put aside his “coolness” and play along for his little brother. I doubt I will see my nephews (the sons of my baby brother who’s anniversary of his death is also this coming week) anytime soon.

I am a bit down. When people tell you that they admire how strong, courageous and brave you are… is it wrong to tell them that they’re wrong?

I wish i could smile like her now.

I wish she was here to smile for me.

I wish I could be teased by Donny one more time. I wish I could hear his laugh. That thundering belly laugh that filled the room with joy. I wish I could get that surprise phone call and hear “boogie woogie woogie” from the other end.

I wish… I wish…

I wish I knew what to do this Easter to make me smile, to keep a tradition, to go on with life, to make happy memories with my children, to ensure they treasure memories as well as I do.

Please click here to donate:  Mimi’s Miles

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