It wasn’t a dream. I was standing onstage holding an Emmy. I’d imagined being in this room, clutching this statue ever since watching my first Emmy broadcast at 7 years old. Now, I was actually at the podium and accepting the award on national television. It was 2007, and I was 23. I had worked very hard to get this far, I was shooting 16-hour days to make “Ugly Betty,”and I was loving every minute of it.
This should have been a moment of sublime celebration. But it wasn’t. I can’t remember the words that came out of my mouth, but I do remember, clear as day, the words that ran through my mind: Who do you think you are? You don’t belong here. No one here thinks you deserve this. Hurry up and get off the stage.
So I did.
It deeply saddened me that this mean, scared voice stole that moment of joy away. If I wasn’t going to own and enjoy my successes, then what was the point of working so hard? I decided to put up a fight by getting into therapy. For the next eight years, I worked really hard to recognize and silence that nagging internal critic. And at times, I even believed that she’d left for good.
Then a year ago, a friend of mine competed in her first triathlon to raise money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. As I watched her train, I was equal parts enthralled and horrified. The running and biking seemed brutal enough, but the open-water swimming was unimaginable.
When my husband decided he was going to join her in the next triathlon, the voice returned with a vengeance: Don’t even think about it, America! You’re the fat kid. The procrastinator. The quitter. You have cellulite. YOU ARE NOT A TRIATHLETE!
January 4, 2017 at 11:47 am
I love this so much! Thanks for sharing!!!!
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