I’m just so fat.

Had to share this conversation. I was talking with a couple of other women about beginning a running routine together (we’ve known each other for years and the conversation went deep into our insecurities)

Friend 1: Myssie, I wish I could do the things you do. I’m just so fat. I know if I asked you, you’d go with me but I’d feel so guilty holding you back.

(I didn’t even have a chance to respond before I was beat to the punch)

Friend 2: You are NOT FAT! You HAVE fat. Do NOT let it define you!!!

This is what great friends do for each other. We remind each other who and what we are when we forget how fabulous we truly are inside!!!

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When I was 18, I entered my first pageant and won. I entered 21 more pageants after that and won or placed runner up in all but two of them up until the age of 24. Prior to this, I never really thought I was FAT but being thrown into a world where you pranced around on stage in a bathing suit and heels suddenly made you re-think body angles in ways you never thought before. I was obsessed with my body image in my early 20’s and it probably led me into a world of unhealthy decisions… eating disorders.

Even worse… every one around me at the time seemed to be obsessed and guilty of the same thing so the behaviors seemed normal and encouraged.

Hindsight, yes, I had a killer looking body!!! Funny now because I’m still not jealous of anyone else’s body (except Demi Moore and Jennifer Aniston). I’m jealous of the body I used to have. In my eyes, I don’t think anyone else could ever compare to 23 year old me. ย I say this because only I knew how my curves and rock hards could measure up against Demi’s or Jennifer’s… and they paid big bucks for trainers and plastic surgeons for their bodies. I didn’t. BUT… that was then… this is now.

Back then, I was my own worse judge and didn’t have a clue how blessed I was to have the body I did. I was never happy with my body and always seemed to want to change this or that. I was too consumed by comparing myself to this girl and that girl. I was young and stupid.

Now, I am older and wiser. I can do things now that I would never have thought possible as prissy diva 23-year old me. I will never wear my Bud Girl dress or swim suit – nor should I at this age (just because you CAN fit into something doesn’t mean you SHOULD wear it). I will never wear the bikini I wore to Miss Texas USA. Child birth, gravity and life have taken it’s toll on my body and it will never be the same. I’ve accepted that. I’m ok with it. But I hope that I will never return to the size I was two years ago even though I still do not consider myself obese at that time (I was a size 14 in the before and a size 4 in the after – I am a size 6 now). Clearly, I was not optimally healthy but not just because of my SIZE. I was eating to cope with the depression and anxiety of dealing with so many family members battling cancer. I am grateful that I have found a healthy outlet for my stress.

ME Before and After

ME
Before and After

I guess what I’m trying to say – and not doing it well enough – is that I had my own perception of what being fat was. I think that perception varies from person to person and even more so over time as well.

I was guilty of limiting myself and my abilities because of this perception that had a strong hold over my behavior. I allowed it to dictate my limits. I let it tell me that I couldn’t wear this or shouldn’t do that and could NEVER achieve the bucket list dream I had.ย 

I was never a double zero. And get this… I know.. big shocker… I WILL NEVER BE A DOUBLE ZERO!!! But that doesn’t mean that I can’t climb Mount Everest, or write a novel, or be a great mother, or successfully cook a holiday feast, or run for elected office, or manage a fruitful business, or look forward to retirement, or race in how ever many marathons, triathlons or century rides I wish to compete in, or … reach that bucket list dream = Kona.

Fat does not define me. Nor should it define YOU.

I will likely carry around a little bit around my belly and hips though because I suffer from noassatall disease for the rest of my life.

We all have different perceptions and goals. Personally, I adore Maria Kang!!! Will I ever look like her again? Probably not. Will I ever stop trying to look like her? I hope I never stop trying.

But what is key is that just because you LOOK a certain way, doesn’t necessarily mean you are healthy. Someone else could be a perfectly healthy size double zero. But me… I’m a healthy size 6. And you could quite possibly be a completely healthy size 10.

P.S. Every time someone posts those “motivation” pictures on their facebook status, the evil sarcastic girl in my head chomps at the bit to burst out and bust a bubble…

MQ4

Honestly, when was the last time you saw a girl in a bikini and heels lift weights at the gym… The caption on the picture cracks me up!!! “Lift Heavy”?? Really, how many plates you think she’s got? Come on! ย Don’t fall for that. I’ve got TRUE crossfitters and body builders that I work out with that scoff at this picture. It’s an insult to all their hard work. This isn’t “motivation”, this is soft porn. Don’t let it mess with your mind.

And guys, if you’re reading this.. it goes for you, too. It goes both ways.

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6 Responses to “I’m just so fat.”

  1. Soft porn is AWESOME, with the wife. I don’t know what the hub-bub is all about anyway. I never had a problem knowing I was heavy (fat is a stretch but I was getting there) because fat is a temporary problem. Now LAZY, that’s something altogether more difficult. ๐Ÿ˜‰

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  2. PS. You’re pretty smokin’. Nice work!

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  3. “smokin” = best compliment all day ๐Ÿ™‚
    I’ve worked hard. Its much easier when you’re 20something but I cherish myself and the effort that it takes to get here 100x more now. Like I said, older and wiser ๐Ÿ™‚

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  4. Bad news, more sagging to come and then menopause. ๐Ÿ™‚ I think I have enough European in me that I no longer care what others think I should or shouldn’t wear. I wear bikinis and I’m wayyyyyy older than you! Found your blog through Lesley Carter.

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    • Hahahaha!!!! In all honesty, I did get a little excited over the summer and bought THREE pairs of bikinis!!! (they were on sale – I saved a ton of money!!!) I tried really hard to act like it was no big deal at the beach but there were no “selfies” and when I did take a picture with my sons, I carefully placed them in front of me ๐Ÿ˜‰ Will I ever wear my Bud Girl bathing suit? Absolutely not…
      Can you hear my sons already??? “Awww mom!”

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  5. Only you get out, what you put in

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