Say what you want

I spent all of my early adult life in pageants and training for them and training others for them as well. I was pretty good at it. I won a good share of them and taught others how to win, too. We called each other the “Rhinestone Mafia”. We are a great group of women.

My forte was interview. One question that came up over and over again by judges in personal interview and on stage interview (which usually meant the final question) was “Do you regret anything in your life?”

Pageant coaches have always told me to NEVER say I regretted anything in my life to judges.

But honestly, I do have regrets.

I regret not learning to speak Spanish fluently and often.

I regret not paying attention in school as much as I should have.

I regret not asking what Sissy’s favorite color was or what flavor of ice cream she liked most.

I regret not putting my foot down and taking Donny to LaHa.

I regret not speaking up for myself to bullies throughout my life.

I regret all the time I spent watching TV (except for MTV when it showed videos)

I regret not telling the people that I love that I loved them. I regret not taking that chance to hug them or making that opportunity come around. I regret not saying what I wanted to because I was too scared of what they would think of me.

I regret a lot of the choices I’ve made. I’m paying the price for them now.

I regret not spending all those last moments with the ones I loved.

Say what you want. Say what you need. Say it all to me, to them, to yourself… but say it. Let it out. Let them know.

I’ve conquered so many of my fears these last two years and it’s such a shame that I got to realize the biggest fear of mine was the fear of not being loved back.

Crossing the finish line taught me so many things. It got me out of my stagnant comfort zone. It took me past my fears. It made me re-evaluate myself, my true self. I have many regrets.

I just told them to a judge (you)

A big no-no in pageantry.

But guess what? I was once told by someone that this world is made up of women who are either princesses or queens. I think I just realized I’m on the queen list. I have regrets. I have fears. I still can’t say everything that I want to… but I’ll try harder.

I don’t want to regret any more.